Political Views and Relationships

I’m sure after reading any sort of Facebook posts from me, you’ve discovered that Dennis and I are on slightly different levels when it comes to politics. Or you haven’t because my life doesn’t remotely matter to yours, which is far more likely than anything haha. I like how full of ourselves we get sometimes to assume everyone wakes up in the morning and thinks, “I wonder what Cassie is wearing and what she thinks about the morning after pill.” Anyways, my fiancé and I have been dating for three years now and are on different ends of the spectrum. Not complete opposite ends, by the way, we agree on a lot of topics. We are also both registered independent.  But he will occasionally argue for his side, and I will argue for mine.

This is where people have expressed their concern for the relationship. As someone who is friends, and good friends at that, with every political party I can say I'm not extremely concerned. I know I don’t know everything and I’m not some sort of special relationship expert. But I would be far more concerned if I only hung out with one political party, refused to hang out with another, and then refused to date someone with slightly different beliefs than me. CNN actually did a pretty good article about this 

http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/18/health/kerner-politics-sex/index.html

I’ve read many different studies on what married couples fight about most often, and they are all-in-all brought down into these five:

1)   Finances

2)   Sex

3)   Housework

4)   Work

5)   Children (if applicable)

There are enough things in our future marriage that we will be fighting about (like everyone does) that will be far more important than what he believes about embryonic stem cell research. And no, I’m not saying that we’ll never fight about politics. That’s just one of those differences that we’ll have to put a red light up about. But we’re not afraid to talk about it. Why? Because I’m sure as heck not going into marriage with a wall built up between us. For example, I don’t walk into marriage afraid to bring up certain political issues out of fear that we’ll start a huge fight and/or he won’t love me any more. While this seems like a negative thing, the good news is, I need him in that area. He keeps me open to opinions and helps me realize the other point of view. He also keeps me sane. Without him, I’m sure by now I would have been chained up naked to a tree somewhere trying to keep some random company from tearing it down. Without me, he may not have ever made his gay friends at work. What would be a concern is if one or both of us were so set in our ways that we refused to open up our eyes to the other individual. Then we would have a problem. If he thinks I’m being too closed-minded, he’ll tell me. And I respect him for that. Seriously, I listen to him when he thinks I need to change something in my life. We don’t name-call, judge each other, or assume other facts about each other. We both have similar MCAT scores and GPA and enjoy a good discussion from people who are very similar in intelligence (as weird as that sounds). It’s actually pretty fun for us. Trust me, I would much rather be talking about politics than whatever Betsey Williams did at work that day that was just oh-so-bitchy. In fact, having differing opinions keeps the conversation flowing.

Others having different political viewpoints than me does not make me hate them or think less of them in any way. The only time I get annoyed is blatant name-calling. There’s no reason to be hurtful, and it’s probably a good sign that you’re losing that debate anyways if you can’t think of anything better to say than to call someone an idiot. We all have different belief systems for own personal reasons. However, if you think I’m being an a-hole, inbox me. Really, I’ll take it. Having discussions is what the greatest philosophers and leaders of history have done. Of course, people can go overboard and not shut up, myself included. If you have more than fifty comments on your status or if you’re putting up the same status as a bajillion other people, it’s probably time to end the discussion. Otherwise, I really don’t see anything wrong with discussing beliefs, politics, or whatever bugged you that day. It’s a heck of a lot better than “today I saw a bunny.” Debate can be good. Name-calling is not.  Being pugnacious on a daily basis might not be as good either. I’ve had to catch myself quite a few times putting four or five negative statuses up in a row bashing whatever thing I saw at school. It made me come across as hating my university and hating my life. Same thing with politics- it can turn many people away since they see you as more of a threat. As a Christian, Timothy urges us not to engage in unfruitful controversy, which can include many debates I’m seeing. It’s really up to you to decide whether what you’re talking about is going nowhere and is unfruitful and tearing people apart, or whether it is something that should be discussed at that particular time. Above all, learn to be optimistic as well. The world is not ending tomorrow because so-and-so was elected to whatever position.  

What’s most important to me in my relationship with my fiancé is that we respect each other. We have always been best friends and talk to each other about everything. But when it comes to the honeymoon stage, the lovey dovey feelings do not last forever. I will always listen to what I have to work on, what he wants out of the relationship, and what is important to him. That’s pretty dang rare to find in a couple. We all think we are right all of the time. But opening ourselves up to a differing opinion and understanding each other’s viewpoint is really not as bad as it sounds. Part of the reason I’m so used to doing this in other areas of my life is because we have different political views and I’ve already made a habit of putting myself in his shoes. I listen when he talks about finances, work, whatever because I’m used to doing so and respect him. Sometimes I’m wrong. 

Sexuality and Christianity

I've wanted to write this for so long.

Seriously, at a Christian University I get angry about this on a consistent basis (because I hear it all the time), and I need to write this down before I take my computer and throw it against a window.

I grew up in the Christian church - Literally, because my dad is a pastor. And after going to a great Christian University, I discovered the hard way how mind boggling screwed up Christian sex ed is. I know there's no special sex ed class we all take as Christians, but some of these belief systems people come out with are just..... whacked out. And by the way, I'm not even referring to monogamous versus polygamous relationships or abstinence. I'm not remotely hinting that it's bad to decide to be different from the rest of the world. I'm referring to actual knowledge of sex. Yes, I'm going to teach you a sex ed lesson. Bare with me (get it? I made a hilarious pun).

First of all, let me express this:
1) every single couple (and I'm including married couples who waited until marriage) is different sexually. Everyone. Every guy has a different sex drive and every girl has a different sex drive
2) Because of this, a person can't just speak up for people of the opposite gender and say "you wouldn't understand because you don't think sexually like me."

I have only heard this line used in a Christian setting. Maybe you haven't, but I'm sharing my personal experiences. My atheist friends have absolutely no problem being open about sexuality and knowing that the opposite gender wants it too. I'm graduating with a biology degree in a couple months. Men and women use different parts of their brain for sex and we obviously have different sexual organs. That's a no-brainer. But we, for some reason, are still believing black-and-white facts about sexuality. First of all, if you are different, you might get pissed at these next comments. However, these are experiences I've had with Christians. I'm also a believer, and that's why I'm focusing on us solely. So I'm not expressing this as some anti-Christian rant.

Myth:
1) guys think about sex every seven seconds
I laughed about this to a Christian guy and he said "well, you wouldn't understand. We really do." My atheist guy friend of course a couple months earlier said "oh my gosh, no we don't. Who the hell said that?" After hanging out with mainly men, I don't know one that would agree with this statement unless they were still going through puberty or had some sort of dysfunction. I know I can't speak on behalf of men, and how your sex drive is. That would be pretty low of me. But what I have really witnessed is that for some reason there seems to be this weird idea in the Christian community that guys are supposed to be super overly sexually aggressive and sex is supposed to consume their thoughts at all times. I experienced this kind of teaching in church sex ed classes directed towards females. Guys are disrespected as these overly-sexual fiends who want nothing more to do than breed like rabbits. I brought this up to the Christian guy and said "every seven seconds?"
"yes, I'm telling you. (inserts something else about me being super naive to what it's like to feel horny since I'm a female)" "Aren't you a student teacher?"
"So what? Are you seriously hinting that I think sexually about kids? That's disgusting."
"Well if you think about it every seven seconds you would pretty much inevitably be having sexual thoughts about your middle schoolers at one time or another."
sooner or later we got down to him thinking about sex every three or four hours. Hmmm....  changed a little.

2) Women need all these weird special things to get turned on. 
 I've heard the weirdest crap. One of my friends mentioned to me today that she was reading a blog post written by a guy on female sexuality. He says "Girls aren't turned on by sight and don't understand what it's like to feel extremely horny, they're turned on by touch and emotions and would rather talk then have sex."

Really now.

It took me two months to hold hands with my boyfriend, and I'm probably the most sexual human being that has ever walked on the planet. Thus, why I'm wasting my time writing about sex instead of studying for an important quiz. I don't give a flying rats ass about physical touch or romance. While that's still important in a relationship, I want that booty action.
Tell me this: The highest grossing book last year was Fifty Shades of Grey, which was not only a porno directed towards females- but was one on S&M at that. No touch involved.
Tell me this: Why Channing Tatum starred as a stripper and made a thick wad of cash because of the ridiculously high number of women who showed up to the movie not caring what the plot was about just to see his abs and dwell the rest of the day in sexual fantasies.
Tell me this: why every single man singer has to take off his shirt to an audience of women. Because abs are the sexiest part of a male. You think the penis is sexy and you're being modest by simply covering that region up? We're not turned on by penis, we're sexually turned on by hot, sweaty, sexy body. Causing a "brother to stumble" dressing "immodestly (which is another blog on its own)" is equivalent to "causing a sister to stumble" by taking off your shirt to play sports. For us, it's like seeing shirtless women bikini mud wrestle. It's dang sexy.

If men are so convinced that men will only get turned on by sight, I can not speak out against that. I wouldn't know, because I'm not a man. However, I would imagine that you would still get somewhat turned on if I decided to grope you in the nether regions instead of wear a sexy outfit. But imagine as a female that you can get horny and unhorny at any time of the day and the sexual fantasies can last for hours upon end with no sort of "blue balls" problems. Yeah, we can do that. And multiple orgasms. In fact, women are more likely according to neurological studies (which I can easily provide) to get turned on by male-female , female-female, and male-male sexual pictures. Men apparently get turned on by male-female and female-female. Also, women are far more likely to have fantasies about super kinky behavior. Like being chained by an attractive billionaire. Not saying guys don't, this is just what I read in peer-reviewed scientific journals. Also, women are said to achieve orgasm far frequently on their own than with a guy partner. For all you know, a girl could be seeing you play with your shirt off, then go back to her room and masturbate. You think that's just a "guy thing?" Many many Christian males have about blown a gasket when I give them sex statistics.

I'm also for the love of everything dear not saying that it's sinful for a guy to have his shirt off. My point that I'm making here as a female (since I'm sure a guy could easily have his own blog about warped Christian understandings of male sex) is that women should always dress "modestly" and men can wear whatever they want because women just don't get turned on like that. Don't believe that, it's fine. But I can not think of many women that would disagree with that statement. We have this weird idea that Christian females do not and should not have a high sex drive and won't ever get turned on by sight, yet men know that deep down inside. That's why they take their shirts off. "Wait, what? It's 100 degrees outside, and I was playing football. Of course I'll take my shirt off." Ah, now you know what it feels like. Because I got called out in 108 degree Oklahoma summer weather off of school campus for wearing shorts that were "too sexy" and a tank top to play volleyball in. Maybe... just maybe it's 100 degrees outside. Maybe it's okay for me to wear yoga pants to the gym that will turn a couple male heads since.... I'm taking a yoga class.

My pont hère is that every single person is different. I know women who wouldn't agree with anything I just said and would rather spend the rest of their lives never getting out of missionary position. I know other women who have more crotchless panties than they have shirts. Every single sex drive is different out there. What is NOT okay is us keeping sexual information from people growing up to the point where I have had to explain to girls: no you can't get pregnant in a pool, you have three holes, and basic sex facts they should have learned in middle school. I'm blown away with how completely clueless people are. "But Cassie, they'll learn that when they get married."
Sometimes they don't. Sometimes some women have had it engrained inside of them for so long that they are not supposed to be kinky or be sexual to the point where they are afraid to even know what they look like down there. I'm really seriously not exaggerating on this, and it concerns me when I'm seeing this fear of sexuality at 20-23 years old. This stuff bleeds into a marriage relationship as well. She'll put out the first week since it's "expected" then spend so much time using sex as a weapon or feeling like she's being taken advantage of since her husband is the only one asking to have sex. Sure, many women and men work differently. But assuming sexual behaviors on people of particular genders can really hinder sex. One thing a sexual counselor can say is "Well, your husband may have less of a time expressing his feelings when you haven't had sex in three months" and visa versa for women. You both are going to express sexuality differently at many times. But it is getting into deep water when assumptions are automatically made and people are living sexually fear-based lives. I know women who believe they are being sinful for getting horny, because it seems to be expressed that way. There is no black and white of sex.

Christians and Hypocrisy

I've had a lot of people mention to me that I should "start blogging" and I'm not really sure how to take that. Although I have more of an up-front personality, I'm not exactly the type to be full of myself and actually assume people are going to be all ecstatic to read the random bloggings of a 22-year-old senior biology student. That's usually the first thing people think of when they think "cool person." Oh that person who spends six to eight hours a day studying? Freaking awesome person.

Anyways.

I see a lot of things. I don't willingly try to observe the world (as pathetic as that sounds), but my life seems to play out like it's some sort of weird modern art movie. Where you're expecting one thing, and then go "what the flying hell was that?" Yet you're somehow grateful for it later since it differs from every typical movie out there. And in this chronic state of observing the weirdest freaking situations possible, I have long since understood the art of hypocrisy. Just throwing that out there. I will somehow be the only person to experience watching a pastor give a sermon on loving others and then make some nasty comment later at a restaurant. It's like Fate just sits back and says "Hey Cassie, you know that person you liked for half a second? Yeah, they're a total douche." Everyone else is praising them behind their backs. Kind of like those Facebook posts that keep going around where about 1/100th of them are actually real and aren't written by an attention-seeking whoremonger. So many comments consist of something similar to "Oh, God bless your quadriplegic starving hemophiliac orphan! I will keep you up in my prayers!" Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the back disgusted that someone would be using this to gain friends and "likes." It happens in non-facebook life as well. All of you who have been slapped in the face by reality on numerous occasions know exactly what I'm talking about. You watch some person dedicate their life to saving dying orphans in Africa, and everyone praises them. Yet a few months later, they are found to have cheated on their spouse, embezzled money, and then kept most of the proceeds that would have gone to dying orphans to buy a yacht. Or even in your immediate family, one of the members could be totally nuts yet you look like the bad one. I've noticed a couple things about hypocrisy:

1) Spotting hypocrisy in someone who is seen in the world's eyes as "good" or "pure" always tends to bring the hope in people down a couple dozen notches and has long-lasting effects
2) everyone on earth is a little hypocritical bastard.

Seriously, though. Everyone has the capability of being hypocritical, and many people do it without even realizing. No matter what religion, ethnicity, political party, what-have-you. I realize this is kind of a "duh" statement, but it helps restore some hope in humanity.

For instance, my dad is a pastor. I grew up in a Christian household and I may have different beliefs than my parents, but I am a Christian as well. It doesn't take an ounce of work on one's behalf to observe complete hypocrisy that here we are fighting for our right to believe in a God that sent His own son to die for us out of sheer love, yet we can't go a day without talking about how "ugly" someone's outfit is, or hate a whole group of people because they are different than us. There are more than 100 verses in the Bible dedicated to judging others or the tongue, and only roughly 8 about homosexuality. My point? The irony that many young LGBTs have committed suicide after being bullied by Christians that preach love. The irony that a person who is "pro-life" killed a doctor for providing abortions. The irony that another who was "pro-life" decided to run their car through an abortion clinic so they could kill the mothers as well.

 God didn't send his son into the world with a giant gun. Are we reading the same New Testament? The woman who was caught in adultery- what did Jesus do? He said that if anyone was free from sin, they could throw the stone at her first. Then he proceeded to write something in the ground, which could have been various so-called "minute" sins we commit. you know, gossip? Gossip and the tongue is mentioned multiple times in the Bible. Multiple. Read James- fantastic book on how powerful the tongue is. Yet so many people will speak ill of people who are committing sins they haven't personally experienced. "Her? Uh... I don't think you want to date her, I heard she's a total whore." "Um.... you know that she drinks and stuff right?" Sound familiar? We actually get a high off of gossip. According to studies I've read, It uses dopaminergic pathways in the substantia nigra which is the part of the brain that (a very vague way of saying it) feeds addictions. People who are speaking ill of cocaine addicts are unknowingly using the same receptors to feed their addiction to gossip.

I feel like there's some sort of assumption in the Christian community today that it's up to us to tell people they're wrong. Like, somehow we'll save their life and we'll get lots of gold piles in heaven for telling some gay guy that he's sinning. Unless that guy is your best friend, if people don't randomly come up to you and tell you that you're living a life of sin for looking "lustfully" at someone else, I would imagine you not do the same for others that struggle with things you don't personally struggle with. We keep categorizing things into "big sins (usually anything sexual or drug-related)" and "little sins." and it's just oh-so-legalistic if someone calls you out on your "little sin." If you don't want some random stranger coming up to you, then realize that's how these other people feel about some random high-and-mighty person who struggles with enough of their own problems come up to them and tell them that they're sinning. It makes absolutely no sense.

I've had my share of people explain to me that it's wrong to drink. uh... Jesus drank. You can't get much better than that. If someone personally struggles with alcoholism, then I'll respect them and not drink in front of them. But I'm a little tired of being truly looked upon as less of a Christian because I god-forbid decided to have a Guinness with my burger (yum, the two taste delicious together). So much of what we say are "sins" are our own personal opinions anyways, but even if it's against God's word, it's not up to us to tell them they're wrong. It's like a butterfly. Have you ever watched a butterfly try to come out of a cocoon? Ugh, it's terrible. you want to help the poor thing out. It's like trying to watch my Havanese puppy find its way out of steel mile-long sleeping bag. However, the butterfly coming out of its cocoon is a process vital for its ability to fly. If you cut the cocoon to "help it" because it should be flying, free, and being its little happy butterfly self, you ruin its ability to fly. You can't just pick someone up and place them where they need to go or they lose the process of getting there. I'm not talking about people who are planning on committing suicide or hurting someone else. That's a completely different story. But no one. Trust me: NO ONE is going to stop having one-night-stands by having some random cocky Christian tell them they're wrong no more than you would listen to a math teacher who came up and said "you're wrong." well, fantastic, I'm going to need more than that for an answer. Those who already know that they're headed down the wrong path (mainly referring to Christians who seem "stuck in a rut") are not going to need to hear that they are wrong. For goodness sakes, They know that. You don't walk into a doctor's office with a broken arm and expect the doctor to show you a skeleton and say "why do you have a broken arm? this is what you're supposed to look like silly!" You want answers. You want to be healed.

This "process of getting there" also does not mean that everyone needs to learn the hard way why they shouldn't be a meth addict or whatnot. It does mean that it takes progress, growth, and development on their part. We as Christians are called to bring people closer and show them who God is, not to scare them off, hurt them, or cause them to hate themselves. We are to serve others, not power over them. Those people you are judging Jesus died for already knowing what they would struggle with. That's some powerful stuff right there. It is not up to you to play god, but showing them the loving, wonderful side of God has wondrous effects. I'm also not hinting that if you are able to share your testimony with someone, to avoid it because it's "playing God." I'm talking about blatantly telling someone to their face or to another behind their back where they should be and how they don't measure up to spiritual perfection. That is some dangerous water to tread on. Especially considering we hypocritically are also usually struggling with someone on our own, and boy do people notice this.

As Christians we are called to love. Love is servanthood. It's humbling ourselves and seeing people as the treasures they are. "But Cassie, love does not mean agreeing with everything they do." Of course not. But if you love your spouse you do not tell them that they stink at making a particular meal. You would make it yourself and show them your recipe. It's sacrifice.