Fear and Intimacy

I can remember one time I randomly received a text from my dad after sneaking off to a party in high school. It just said this:  "Hey, I love you and just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you."

Fantastic.

I spent the rest of the evening with people asking me "are you okay?" "you seem tired."
Well, yeah. Now I felt like a guilty asshole with my sweet father back at home thinking I was dreaming about sugar plums and butterflies, when I was at some random person's house funneling a couple of crappy cheap beers. I just felt nauseous. And this time, not because of the beer. I can guarantee that if he texted me "I'm disappointed in you. we know you're not home, and we think you're a drunk whore," like I expected, that I would have laughed it off and texted back "what's new, you're always disappointed in me." Why couldn't he always be like that? No, he had to be all sweet and proud of me for who knows what.

I hear the same kind of expectations nowadays when it comes to God. It seems like every time someone explains God's love as never-ending and how important sharing God's LOVE is with "sinners" instead of scaring them into Christianity with fear, either in some sermon or even a facebook post of some kind, I will almost inevitably see the same response. Someone (with good intentions) will immediately say "Well, then people will just go on sinning all the time and simply just ask for forgiveness."

Yup, probably.

Look, God isn't some big teddy bear sitting in the sky. People are right in that he isn't a wimp and walking around like Barney the Dinosaur singing "I love you" nonchalantly as if he's oblivious to the pain and torture going on in the world. But... he also isn't Zeus with human characteristics waiting to strike down whoever sins first.

Have you ever been watching youtube, and somehow watching videos of neuroscientists explaining chronic traumatic encephalopathy turned into watching videos of people popping their gigantic back cysts? Just me, then? I can remember this one time in particular where I randomly stumbled upon videos on tsunamis.  I started watching a video, originally assuming it was a news source, that ended up being cellphone videos of people personally watching the tsunami in Japan. If I had to give you advice, never watch these, if they still even exist. I never cry. My husband gets nervous about this strange personality flaw of mine. If I'm crying, it's a really really big deal to me. This made me cry so insanely hard that I probably woke the dead and caused some kind of zombie apocalypse in Tulsa, Oklahoma. People were standing on a large hill overlooking the city and recording the tsunami with their cellphone. It started in one corner, and they are literally watching the hoards of water rushing towards running people on low ground. They knew some of these people. Family, loved ones, acquaintances. Some of them were young children. All running on dry land, and only those standing on the hill knew this tsunami was going to inevitably sweep up and kill them. All you heard was screaming. The main guy filming this had his screams translated into English subtitles at the bottom "God no! Please help them! God please!" This was screamed over and over again next to other blood-curdling screams of many women. All you heard was screaming. If I had to have any sort of glimpse of hell on earth, this was probably it. It was one of the most satanic disgusting things I've ever seen. I couldn't possibly imagine the pain these people were experiencing. Everything was gone. Everything and everyone, and now they were haunted by the nightmares of their loved ones being swept up by water as they watched helplessly.

 A couple days later I saw a quote by some famous pastor blaming some natural disaster on whatever sin was most controversial at that time. Oh tornadoes ripping apart people's homes and killing their family? Nevermind the fact that Oklahoma is probably the most conservative state in the nation, God totally wanted to destroy lives by telling Oklahoma that it just wasn't quite conservative enough. Because anything liberal is evil. And, of course, Wall Street is still totally pristine. They're sinless. Duh.

Let me just say something. If God had anything to do with that tsunami in Japan, of which i only witnessed about 8 minutes, then he is the most cruel God that has ever existed. I have witnessed people possessed off their rocker, and have never seen anything as satanic as that tsunami. I can not compare some witch doctor with weird glossy eyes screaming even weirder things in another voice with young mothers on a hillside screaming at other mothers having their children ripped out of their arms. It doesn't compare. Give me the creepy possessed or severely psychologically unstable dude any day over that. What I'm saying is that I would hang around a demon than worship whatever God this pastor was following. That would be a God who had an obsession to kill, steal, and destroy. Which... doesn't really sound like the jedi counsel. More like the dark side of the force. If you know what I'm hinting at here.

We don't follow satan. We're not following a God that wants to destroy our lives. He doesn't want to "teach us a lesson" by killing our firstborn child or ripping a couple limbs off because we might have said the "f" word at John Doe's wedding. As a dad, sometimes He'll let us know we're doing something stupid. Because He enjoys conversation and enjoys being our Dad. But sometimes we put our own selves in stupid situations (obviously I'm not including natural disasters here at all). If  someone took off with my purse at some party I went to, that would be my own fault for bringing expensive items while I was intoxicated, not God's fault. If a drunk driver hit and killed a family, that's not God trying to teach the drunk driver a lesson about the dangers of driving over the legal limit, that's the drunk driver being an idiot and destroying someone's life in the process. I don't believe God would intentionally kill a family to teach one person a lesson about the dangers of drinking behind the wheel.

There are people who will take advantage of anything. Including the love of God. Yeah, He'll love them regardless of the fact that they are living lives no different than they used to. And yes, I'm not ignoring the fact that He hates sin. But if our sole purpose was just to simply get into heaven, then why not? Makes sense. I live however the hell I please (no pun intended), ask for forgiveness every now and then, and voila! Fun time on earth with a free ticket to heaven! One of the super weird aspects of God is the fact that he craves communication and intimacy with pathetic humans that he created Himself. On top of it, he won over death by sending his own son to die in our place. That's weird. There is nothing normal about that. It's so easy and natural (and quite frankly, makes more sense) to view God as a bad God. Because intimacy with humans and some bubbly consistent love for us makes about as much sense as a porcupine working in a balloon factory. He knows what we do in our spare time, for goodness sakes. You'd think he would hate us. So for those that say... "but God hates sin and so it's better for people to be scared into Christianity so they won't go on living the way they used to." I can't agree.

Anyone who has ever read Isaiah can say that there is an awesome fear of the Lord. He's powerful. I mean, dang, He's awesome and powerful. Hosea 3:5 says "they shall fear the Lord and His goodness in the latter days." Before this, Hosea mentions the yearning the Israelites will have for Him. There is an emphasis placed on the "anxious" fear of His.... goodness. On top of it, this fear of the ultimate good and loving nature of God usually comes after a yearning one has for Him in the first place. However, the Bible also says He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, and of power, and of a sound mind. I don't know everything about God. I would never even kind of claim that. Revelation says that there are creatures that sit in front of the throne surrounded by eyes, and these creatures have something new to praise Him about every second (cool, huh?). None of us will ever know every aspect of God, it's one of the cool mysteries we'll continue to unravel. But leading people to Christ through fear-based mechanisms and screaming hell at them is using an attribute counter-opposite to his character. While we are told to fear the Lord, it's not talking about me seeing God as a terrible being, but a mighty one. It doesn't cause me to be afraid of God, but to surrender to Him. To worship Him in reverence. Psalm 19 describes it as "pure." Being afraid of something would never be defined as pure and lovely, it's terrible. While sin is something that obviously should be talked about and not ignored, and God hates sin (obviously), I believe that living in a constant fear of hell is just another way that satan draws attention back to himself. A toddler, for instance, will do anything to draw attention to themselves, even if it's for negative reasons. I don't believe I'm supposed to crap myself with fear for God's thunderbolt and a path to hell every time I might mess up. As a Christian, I've never been afraid of going to hell. Why would I? Hell isn't an option for me. That's a good feeling.

Just like with my dad, the more people see of the insane incomprehensible love God has for them, the less they usually want to keep sinning. If you grew up with parents, or just a mom or a dad, and they greeted you every morning by looking you straight in the eye saying "you have no idea what kind of difference you will make in this world. I love you. I'm proud of you," would you be more or less likely to continually and purposely disobey them? What if they kept telling you everything you were failing at? They already hate you, why not? Some people will accept Christ and then just kind of flop around living however they please. That's also all that matters to them. Just squeeeezing their way into heaven, if they make it. But what kind of walk is that? Should Christianity not also be about the intimacy we share with God, and not just about trying to secure a place in heaven? A fear-based sermon is only about heaven vs. hell and does not explain why we even want to have a relationship with him in the first place. There seems to be a huge concern that people will "take advantage" of the love of God if we tell people about His true loving nature, when wanting to sin less is part of a natural relationship with Him. If He didn't communicate with humans, then that concern would make more sense. My point is that some people will take advantage of anything they can get by with. While others are living in fear of hell, or others are simply trying to just squeeze their way into heaven, others are living a life involving growing in intimacy with the God of the flipping Universe. You don't develop a close relationship by screaming at your child, you develop it from love. You develop intimacy by talking and loving up on your spouse, not telling them they suck at washing pans. How much more powerful is it that we focus on love instead of fear?

Growing up Christian

I grew up in the church my whole life as a PK if I haven’t said this 46,000 times on my posts already. And there’s a reason PKs are either viewed as super sheltered or Katy Perry (who I happen to think is kind of awesome, but you get my point). There’s not too many that fall “in between” because, quite frankly, it’s super hard to be forced into a religion without any explanation about why you believe what you believe. You have all of these questions in your head, but you’re too embarrassed to ask them and are probably getting yelled at for being late for Sunday school instead. You either follow it blindly, secretly have doubts and don’t tell anyone because your dad is practically Moses, or one day wake up and go “why the hell am I following this guy anyway?” I was the latter. Over time, I developed a sense of identity. I was a Christian, but I also knew why. I would definitely always say that having your faith tested is one of the most important things a Christian can ever go through. Over time, however, I’ve also picked up on ridiculous Christian cliches. I mean, I lived in the church. Most of them are pretty much parents trying to get their kids to stop doing “bad things” by giving some random Bible explanation that doesn’t actually exist. And da da da (cue awesome music)… this is exactly why some people are leaving the church. Because this crap keeps getting passed down from generation to generation, and no one is stepping back and saying “where did you even get that idea?” I remember this lady ragging on some guy’s smoking habit and how sinful it was. Smoking cigarettes is one of those habits that has been randomly accepted as a sin that was accepted as a social expectation just fifty years ago. All of a sudden, it’s evil and a sign of rebellion, and none of us know why. One time in particular, my dad went to the mall and saw a member of the church he recognized, and the guy spent the whole time hiding a cigarette behind his back with the smoke bellowing out of his head like some angry cartoon character. He looked simply ridiculous, came across as having the intelligence level of an amoeba, and had no reason to hide. So what if your pastor sees you smoke? If you just told your doctor that you stopped smoking, and he saw you, that would be a different story.

"But, your body is a temple" the lady said while chewing on her Big Mac. “I mean, I know he has a severe anxiety disorder, but smoking marijuana is a sin, everyone knows that” She continued while downing two lab-created pain medications with possible spontaneous combustion and peeing fire as side effects. 

It seems like people are absolutely convinced my generation is super evil because we’re finally asking the question “why?” Or we’re wicked for standing up for equality and the financially disadvantaged, and so many church members can’t seem to read past Leviticus to get to root of Jesus’ nature. These same people will then judge individuals for leaving the church after they couldn’t provide any answers without wimpy “Christian-accepted” responses.

"My mom died, I was so close to her. Why would God would let this happen?"
"Well, He has His reasons. It was in His plan. I’ll pray for you to be happy!" 

Well, no wonder someone would leave the church after hearing that. You just indirectly agreed with this person that God was the reason her mother died, and somehow she's not being a good Christian because she's not smiling. Honey, be HAPPY God killed your mother, she's having so much more fun than you right now mourning and stuff. That's pretty much what you're saying. In reality, you don’t feel like taking the time to sit down to actually talk about it, refer her to someone that can, or just shut up and give her a damn hug already. Let me say this: Bad things happen to Christians too. I get that Paul talks about considering it joy when we face trials, but having a close family member or having your innocent four-year-old child die is not a "trial." A trial is getting a pay cut or having your best friend you worked next to for ten years quit. Losing a child is hell. It was hard enough just watching my grandparents go through that, I couldn't possibly imagine what that personally feels like. Yes, I believe that God is wonderful and can bring life or something good out of a terrible situation. Maybe someone will come to Christ through it. But he didn't kill a child to cause someone to accept Christ. Death is something really super crappy we face as mortal humans that you don't just "get over" one day. Stop saying other cliches like "oh he just wanted to take his child home." No, God didn't kill your four-year-old to "take her home" for kicks and giggles. That wasn't God. Jesus himself cried after his friend died, shouldn't that mean something? We can't go around saying Christian cliches to make people stop crying because it's making us uncomfortable. Mourning is a natural part of life, and we shouldn't try to stop the mourning process. Encouragement and having a shoulder to lean on as a friend? Yes. Crying with them? Yes. Stopping the mourning process because all Christians should slap a fake smile on their face when they're going through a difficult time? No. 

 I really hate the fact that so many people are actually looked down upon for researching and asking questions. If they leave the faith, it’s totally their Christian-hating professor’s fault or their evil ways of partying, and has nothing to do with the fact that you told them to blindly follow the Bible their entire lives without offering explanations. Real explanations, not “Mom, how come this seems like a total contradiction in the Bible?” and you reply with, “God just has his reasons, now eat your spinach.” I get that not everything in Christianity can be figured out in an algorithm. Having some open cool mysteries of life like “when does life begin?” are things that will simply never be answered, neither by science nor religion. There is no “soul entering” enzyme I learned about in embryology. I also believe in reading the Bible and God speaking through His Word, don’t think I’m discrediting the Bible at all. But I really believe one of the reasons colleges are mentioning an increase in theology degrees is because many want their questions answered. That’s a good thing. I know many people that would last about five minutes in an intelligent theological discussion with an atheist because they really don’t have a clue about what they believe or even what half of the Bible says. I’m sure any atheist reading this will laugh in agreement. I know very few atheist friends of mine that don’t know more about the Bible than the average Christian, because they researched how to argue with one. That’s not okay of us. Also, as someone who graduated with a science degree, I really believe that the reason so many kids start learning science and shying away from God is because you forgot to mention that science is not actually the opposite of Christianity. God created science. But science (which you taught them is “wrong”) seems to be answering their questions a lot more than empty legalism.  

Value

I once had to bring out food to a 14 top of screaming children and then had to leave to clean vomit out of the bathroom. Not a good night. I walked back to a table to ask how things were going, and instead got yelled at by a white collar worker who said "you're just waiting tables with your life, are you really too stupid to refill my water?" Not to mention I lost fifteen dollars worth of a tip. I was seething. I had fantasies for the next six hours of me putting on a white coat and saying "want to know what I got on my MCAT, bitch?" This week I got yelled at by a particular hospital worker because a patient went into V-tach and I was given the wrong room number by the receptionist who was cutting up with her boyfriend. That patient could have died, and if she did, I would have been that stupid girl in the back room staring at heart monitors that would have ha
d to take the blame. 

Quite frankly, there isn't a job in the world where you don't come out eventually thinking "why am I not respected?" No matter how "high" or "low." I'm honestly pretty glad I get to work at the "low" jobs for a long time, because it's taught me enough empathy where I see that stupid lazy burger flipper as a single mother who is thanking God on a nightly basis that she found a job. Ironically, the same people who laugh and say "you're a monitor tech, I would know better than you how to read this ECG because I actually went to college (seriously)" have no idea what degree I have and that I'll be over them one day. I've learned over time to hold my tongue, because I've never once regretted it. Here's the thing. Everyone has the similar problems at their job. They aren't respected. No one notices what they do. If they are higher up, they are judged and hated by those that are under them. They're just an "asshole that gets paid too much." These angering moments are held in. Eventually, people end up hating their job and spend most of their time fantasizing about how they are going to quit in some extravagant face-punching way. 

I've learned this over time: If I am miserable now in the way I am treated by other people because they don't see me the way God sees me, then I will be miserable at every job I've ever had. If I see becoming a doctor as some way I can finally "get revenge" on those who never had faith in me, I will be miserable. Most of them won't give a flying rip, and they will be replaced by new people who hate my guts. There is no magical job or livelihood where everyone bows before you and feeds you ice cream. Besides an ice cream taster at Ben&Jerrys, and that would be certainly be a magical job. I have absolutely no control over what people think about me. I've been in a four-year relationship and still called a whore by "Christians" because of whatever rumor they heard or because I wore a tight outfit. I've been called "a spoiled brat" by faculty members high up in leadership at a Christian university because I wrote a tiny little letter about sexism that no one remembers except them. And while I was leading women to Christ through it, they ironically said I was used of satan. I had a guy at a car dealership talk to me in baby talk because he thought I wouldn't understand car lingo as a woman. I've had people complain about my "fake Christian" persona because I drink beer and I'm friends with people of other sexual orientations. I've been repeatedly pointed at in art districts because I dress preppy. I've had to eat lunch in the bathroom growing up because I was never popular. I had a guy complain about how tiny my breasts are while I was working out last week because apparently it affected his workout. People can be assholes. I know great wars could have been avoided by the words "never assume." And while I have no control over what people assume about me or how they treat me, I have every control in the world of if I choose to believe it. And I have every control in the world of how I treat them back. 

I would be a very miserable person right now if I really thought I was just a "insert job here."  I am the child of the God who created the Universe that is still constantly expanding. He is still creating stars as we speak, which has been shown through physics. I'm the child of the God who created my antibodies with a possible combination of literally 100 billion combinations for 100 billion different possible diseases with it's own unique set of DNA. I'm the child of the God who created me with 100 trillion synapses in my brain interconnecting 100 billion neurons, multiplied by the billions of people in the world (adds up to roughly 7x10^23), who still takes every thought I have into consideration and wants to fulfill my dreams. He sings over me when I sleep and engraved my name into the palm of his hand. Yet somehow I still manage to wake up in the morning craving the attention I believe I deserve from humans, and treating them the way they treat me, with the need to always be right and a complete lack of compassion. In reality, I am complaining and gnashing my teeth at other beautiful humans that He sent his son to die for from suffocation and hypovolemic shock. He was serious about having faith in them. He has a fantastic plan for their futures, and I can't do a damn thing about the love He has for them. In reality, this aggression towards His anointed makes me wrong. Either He was mistaken in dying for them, or I am wrong for judging them for judging me. No, we're not always respected. It sucks. But when we learn to put or hope in someone a lot greater than some of the rude people around us, life becomes a little more fun. I have no control over what people say about me. But I do have control over whether I take hold of those words and hate myself and my job because of it. If we saw the priceless value that we really had, our whole perception of reality changes. And it's beautiful. 

What's love got to do with it?

I know I've said this a million times: love takes sacrifice. Butterfly feelings and crushes are fun, but that kind of "love" is simply a rush of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine and will fade away with time. Love takes hard work and dedication. I love my fiancé. However, I didn't meet him and immediately love him a month later, nor did I sit there and force myself to love him or I would be in for some greater issues down the road. It all began with developing intimacy. We would spend hours talking and understanding the heart of one another until we developed a stronger bond. Currently, loving him means that while I really want to move back to my hometown in North Carolina, I will stay back in Tulsa when we get married because he has a set full time job and I won't have one until I graduate in two weeks. Feelings won't pay the bills. Love means that I spend time with him and communicate with him when it's possible. Love means that I'll bless him with a coffee or dinner every now and then because he had a bad week. It takes actual dedication and sacrifice. It means I have to understand his heart and what I could do that will make him happy that day. Love works similarly with my friendships as well. I can be acquaintances with someone. Maybe we're in a class together or study together. Maybe we know each other through facebook or twitter. But loving that friend means that I've developed that intimacy and closeness with them. I may talk to someone frequently on social media sites, but I do not share the same intimacy as I do with my best friends. My best friends I hang out with, get to know on a deeper level, make laugh when they're sad, or give them a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I've had a test to study for but stayed in my friend's room crying with her because a loved one died. There is always sacrifice involved, whether it's money, time, or rescheduling of our plans. Love is not just feelings.

Here's the point I'm making: We say the word "love" way too often as Christians. It's this cliche word that's used about as much as the word "homework" by a high school algebra teacher. After growing up in the church my whole life, I believed it was utter bullcrap by the time I reached college. I would hear that God "loved" me by the same people who truly believed He sent tsunamis to kill thousands because of whatever sin was most controversial at that time or by people who believed He was an angry God. It didn't go together. God is love. If God is love then everything in 1 Corinthians 13 explains who He is. God is patient. God is kind. God does not envy, is not boastful, is not self-seeking or arrogant, is not conceited, is not rude, is not resentful, is not easily angered, does not keep a record of wrongs or wrongdoings by others. God does not rejoice in injustice, always protects, always believes the best in every person, and is always hopeful in the life of an individual. Do we ever even think about what that means?

Some of the most cruel and pugnacious people use the word "love" just to share their opinions. You love someone so you'll tell them they are living a life of sin without ever even bothering to get to know them. You love someone, so you'll explain their problems to the deans in hopes that they will change them overnight or kick them out of school. You love someone, so you'll spend hours fighting with them about how they're wrong. You love someone enough to point out their flaws and never even bother to see who they are. It's as if people think God gives them extra points in heaven for explaining to a gay guy that they're living a life of sin. That if heaven-forbid you're nice to them without uttering the words "I disagree" in the first five seconds of knowing them that He'll mark your name out and now not allow you into heaven. Perhaps they subconsciously believe God will say "hey, that guy hated himself and spent life depressed and isolated from the Christian community just to later kill himself, but thanks for sticking up for me!" Let's think about this logically. If you know someone that has grown up in a Christian family their whole entire lives and has been told over and over again that it's wrong, do you really think in your mind that they're hearing this information for the first time? That your words are just oh-so-powerful that they'll stop everything and follow your advice from a completely unknowing perspective? It's cockiness. People get so excited to fight about whether its a sin or not that they forget that it's a real human being with the same life goals. They want an intimate relationship with God too. They want to graduate from law school, teach underprivileged children, or travel the world. They have brothers and sisters who have been with them their whole entire lives and know just how powerful, wonderful, and beautiful they are. And if God can look at them with Love, then who the hell are you who is so powerful that you can upstage God in condemnation? If He loves them, then who are you to show them anything except that Love of God? Remember what God did out of love? He sent his only Son to die an excruciating death in our place. Remember that? If you were really doing the work of God, you would be practically taking bullets for them, not fighting with them about how they're wrong and what the Bible says. Many times throwing Bible scripture after dealing with a family who disowned them because of Christianity or friends who think less of them because of the Bible will further throw them into a life of self-hatred and guilt. I don't remember Jesus using God's Word to promote self-hatred. I also don't remember God being the one to kill, steal, and destroy. After reading Job, God doesn't enjoy people who, in attempt to be a "good friend," show God as a mean and vengeful God. That is not love.

There are creatures that sit in front of the throneroom in heaven surrounded by eyes. They sit in front of God and every second they have something new to praise Him about. There is not one person on earth who has or ever will know the full extent of God, and that's insanely awesome. But I do know one thing: He is always love and therefore always good. He doesn't sit there contemplating how to kill some innocent lives via a tsunami because gay marriage was allowed, or send a hurricane because of Mardi Gras. Instead, He knows each and every person that is struggling with gambling, alcoholism, and drug addictions and always sees the good in them no matter what they are doing. And the great thing is, sometimes He sends people like us to minister to them. Not to go up to someone and say "I noticed you are smoking pot. Would you like me to send you a short Wikipedia cut and paste about the dangers of marijuana smoking on your status about April 20th before I gossip about you to others?" but to sacrifice and develop intimacy with them. Getting to know the person involves knowing how to talk to them and show them the love of God. And sometimes we find that things aren't even sins to begin with. Sometimes we realize that they're suffering in the first place because of judgmental people. Sometimes they had some excruciating past that got them into addictions in the first place. But most of them have the same thing in common: very rarely will anyone ever change because of one angry comment or a cut and paste article.

What about atheists? If you're a Christian would you ever decide to change because someone showed you a section of the Qur'an and said you're living against Sharia Law? That's about the same way an atheist feels when you show them Leviticus. Tossing Bible scripture at them is not only pointless, but downright idiotic. But every single religion (or lack thereof) understands love and encouragement. A person is far more likely to listen to you if you develop a relationship. But not a pity relationship or a project in which you'll convert them, but a true relationship. Even if it's a quick conversation at a bar, anyone can always hear how important or wonderful they are. Sometimes all it takes is one person for two minutes to look at them in the eye and give a crap because no one else will. And if they end up being a hateful ignorant person to talk to? Then that's not a person to develop intimacy with. Move along. Keep them in your prayers. But enough of the "I love the sinner but hate the sin" without doing so much as batting an eye to love them in the first place. It's empty language that means nothing without action and becomes part of a cliche which more and more people begin to use without even knowing the meaning of love. Love is powerful. And claiming to love someone is a very powerful comment.

The perils of a student

            Every year I watch the sheer happy nature of the freshman come in ready to start their college career. I would assume the excitement is very similar at any college one goes to. Ours, of course, has a whole lot less of the “I can’t wait to get shwaysted” and a whole lot more of a ridiculous amount of testimonies and detailed life stories. I can smell a freshman ORU student as soon as they walk into another area of Tulsa, for they come in swarms and act as if they are in a youth church camp. There’s not necessarily anything remotely wrong with this. It was, however, very noticeable that their whole mentality changed within the first semester. By the time everyone graduates, it seems as if everyone here either leaves bitter or ecstatic with a billion friends. I really can’t think of anyone that left here mediocre. Churches are pretty similar. Either people leave making a huge scene about how much they hate everyone, or leave bawling their eyes out because they loved it so much. I can’t think of many people that leave and go “meh, after staying here four years, lets just go to another one next week.” There’s almost always hurt and bitterness involved. Apparently that’s pretty similar at a Christian university.

            When I came here, I didn’t expect a huge life change. We all come here for different reasons, but most of us similarly wanted to grow in spirit along with our studies. I never had any sort of “Jesus moment” that caused me to feel as if I was supposed to come here. I simply just wanted to break myself free of where I was at the moment to become a doctor. With my love of alcohol, chances are, I would be spending more time partying than I would be studying. It wasn’t a huge life change or some secret desire to become the next Billy Graham; it was a simple decision that could possibly impact my future for the better. Of course, one problem with going into a Christian environment is the amount of assumptions that come along with it. I assumed for some reason that I wouldn’t struggle with any of the same self-hatred, guilt, and depression that I would fall into back at home. There was some idea in the back of my head that I would make lots of great friends, stop struggling with addictions, and grow in God. I assumed that no matter what, this would at least impact me in a positive way. I put my hope into the University and not in who I should have.

            What’s hard is that this is the general assumption many make when coming here; that the University will do something for them, and boy does that never work. We assume that if something is supposedly God-ordained, that like God it is perfect. We’re not only expecting the normal high expectations most universities get, but we find ourselves subconsciously expecting Spiritual perfection. As most of us have discovered by now, they are run by people that don’t have everything together. And one of the biggest, most insulting problems so many of us see is the obsession with becoming so flawless to the outside population that they forget about the students.

            My freshman year was not anything like I imagined. Struggling with the same unmentioned crap I did at home, I started eating food completely alone, sleeping in my car, and hated by people so much they would literally stand up and walk away from me in chapel. Let me repeat that: they would leave me to sit helpless and alone in CHAPEL. According to the outside world and my friends back home, I was the funny girl they could go to when they felt sad. Here I was seen as a whore and not worth even communicating with. I became neurotic, quick to become angry or defensive and assumed because of the small nature of the school that every single person was out to get me. I was far from home, had no friends to rely on, no God that cared about me in my assumption, and became a psychological mess. Through this I saw everything wrong with the school. I saw that instead of catching women who were obviously trying break the dress code, it became a matter of codes and regulations where I would have to hold actual rulers up to my legs to see if I was worthy enough to walk in the school. It changed from a concept of dressing business casual and “modest” to strict rules so precise that I would have to go back and change if I was an inch off in a cute business suit. People turned each other in for drinking when not abiding to your aerobics points was also against the honor code. Girls came back in crying, secretly explaining to me that guys in leadership positions raped them and they were too afraid to come forward. They did, however, have to pay a fifty-dollar fine for coming late after getting raped. My gay and lesbian friends that went to the university were shunned like they had a disease. If they were loved by the student population god-forbid they come out to leadership. What started out as excitement to come to a Christian university became righteous anger for the unloved and ignored. 

            My sophomore year I finally began to shake off the dirt I was thrown in, and realized for the first time that God was not one to immediately shun someone for sinning or push us to the ground out of hatred.  It took me the whole year to figure that out. I was on a hallway of great women and was so afraid to come out of my room that I have no fun memories of that year. I was quiet, angry, and still rather neurotic. And I don’t mean I had a psychological disorder, I was quick to getting offended and distrusted most people due to experience. I realize that it took the floor to fall out from under me to understand who God was and how important he was in my life. He wasn’t the one gay-hating, slut-shaming, or holding rulers up to women’s legs. Instead, he sent His flawless son to die for them. What a difference. What I’m not hinting at is that this is a terrible school filled with hateful, spiteful, people. What I am saying is that it’s filled with humans. All at completely different walks of life, and all who see God in a different way, judge in a different way, and love in a different way. When it comes to a school that also expects spiritual progress as well as academic progress, many can fall into hating themselves because they can’t keep up or hating themselves because their calling in life is “sinful” in other’s eyes. As in, there are going to be plenty of people ministering in bars while others minister to kings. There are people who are here to stand up on stage and change the world, and others who are here for the hurting, bitter, and falling apart. And I am one of those people. No job is more important than the other.

            It came to the time where I was so tired of hearing of rapes, obsessions with modesty, and spiritual expectations of the women here that I wrote this article last year on sexism. What was meant to start conversation like every college newspaper around US does became a complete heyday of censorship. And the assumptions that came with it about who I was as a person did not send me back into some state of depression, but was rather humorous. While I took that week to lead women to Christ and bring life into the lives of girls who were taken advantage of sexually to find other girls in the same predicament, they were judging me and calling me an “ entitled brat.” A brat who lead women to Christ and had about fifty cents in her wallet. It wasn’t even insulting, it was as if God opened my eyes for the first time to stop blaming myself for everything and realize that sometimes they were wrong. Because I could bet money on the fact that they weren’t leading anyone to Christ that week.

            What has happened the past week due to firings is nothing new to human nature: people loving an individual in a leadership position than hating him the next minute. In fact, if you look at your surroundings you see this on a daily basis. I’ve seen people go from loving to condemning people for simply having a beer at a restaurant. What is good for us to do is step back and observe every situation and try to figure out how to bring life out of it. Because that is the single hardest thing to do when someone offends you and doesn’t seem to really care. And it sucks more when people play the God card, because it makes the observer assume that they are indirectly telling them that they are not of God. It’s dangerous. But I’ve observed something as a bio major that even the nastiest crap can grow a flower out of it. Okay, worst and sappiest analogy ever, but my point still stands.

            What I learned over the years is that positive thinking is a choice, not something bestowed upon me by my surroundings. This whole experience at ORU changed me completely, but not in the way I ever expected. It caused me to fall on the ground and pick myself up again. In being shunned and hated by so many that first year, I learned to look at the face of God for myself and separate the fake from the real. It wasn’t Him that was treating me inappropriately, it was humans that were just as confused and unaware of spiritual reality as the rest of us. I originally found myself jealous of those who were so loved by the student body. Seen as “good Christians” and world-changers. They were seen as having gifts of changing the world, while my Spiritual job was that of all the king’s horses and all the king’s men. I was in the background trying to put people’s pieces back together again. Yet I realize now with great emphasis just how important that job is. I may not be in the spotlight, but I’m here for the hurting. And even the emotional and spiritual world needs doctors.

            I can say watching my dad that it sucks to be in a leadership position in a Christian environment because you seem to get charged with deciding morality as well as getting blamed for everyone’s problems. I can’t sit back and blame specific people for anything wrong. Heck, if I know or what they’re going through on a daily basis. I at least will submit in my position as a student and see them as respectful leaders. But it is a freedom to know that sometimes they don’t know everything. And it is always important to focus on the good instead of every bad problem, for bitterness will eat you alive more than disease. But more than all, it’s important to know who we are. That each of us is equally important to Him, and that nothing that I could have done nor will ever do will separate me from that Love. Sometimes it sucks changing the world when no one sees it. But we’re still changing the world.  

Political Views and Relationships

I’m sure after reading any sort of Facebook posts from me, you’ve discovered that Dennis and I are on slightly different levels when it comes to politics. Or you haven’t because my life doesn’t remotely matter to yours, which is far more likely than anything haha. I like how full of ourselves we get sometimes to assume everyone wakes up in the morning and thinks, “I wonder what Cassie is wearing and what she thinks about the morning after pill.” Anyways, my fiancé and I have been dating for three years now and are on different ends of the spectrum. Not complete opposite ends, by the way, we agree on a lot of topics. We are also both registered independent.  But he will occasionally argue for his side, and I will argue for mine.

This is where people have expressed their concern for the relationship. As someone who is friends, and good friends at that, with every political party I can say I'm not extremely concerned. I know I don’t know everything and I’m not some sort of special relationship expert. But I would be far more concerned if I only hung out with one political party, refused to hang out with another, and then refused to date someone with slightly different beliefs than me. CNN actually did a pretty good article about this 

http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/18/health/kerner-politics-sex/index.html

I’ve read many different studies on what married couples fight about most often, and they are all-in-all brought down into these five:

1)   Finances

2)   Sex

3)   Housework

4)   Work

5)   Children (if applicable)

There are enough things in our future marriage that we will be fighting about (like everyone does) that will be far more important than what he believes about embryonic stem cell research. And no, I’m not saying that we’ll never fight about politics. That’s just one of those differences that we’ll have to put a red light up about. But we’re not afraid to talk about it. Why? Because I’m sure as heck not going into marriage with a wall built up between us. For example, I don’t walk into marriage afraid to bring up certain political issues out of fear that we’ll start a huge fight and/or he won’t love me any more. While this seems like a negative thing, the good news is, I need him in that area. He keeps me open to opinions and helps me realize the other point of view. He also keeps me sane. Without him, I’m sure by now I would have been chained up naked to a tree somewhere trying to keep some random company from tearing it down. Without me, he may not have ever made his gay friends at work. What would be a concern is if one or both of us were so set in our ways that we refused to open up our eyes to the other individual. Then we would have a problem. If he thinks I’m being too closed-minded, he’ll tell me. And I respect him for that. Seriously, I listen to him when he thinks I need to change something in my life. We don’t name-call, judge each other, or assume other facts about each other. We both have similar MCAT scores and GPA and enjoy a good discussion from people who are very similar in intelligence (as weird as that sounds). It’s actually pretty fun for us. Trust me, I would much rather be talking about politics than whatever Betsey Williams did at work that day that was just oh-so-bitchy. In fact, having differing opinions keeps the conversation flowing.

Others having different political viewpoints than me does not make me hate them or think less of them in any way. The only time I get annoyed is blatant name-calling. There’s no reason to be hurtful, and it’s probably a good sign that you’re losing that debate anyways if you can’t think of anything better to say than to call someone an idiot. We all have different belief systems for own personal reasons. However, if you think I’m being an a-hole, inbox me. Really, I’ll take it. Having discussions is what the greatest philosophers and leaders of history have done. Of course, people can go overboard and not shut up, myself included. If you have more than fifty comments on your status or if you’re putting up the same status as a bajillion other people, it’s probably time to end the discussion. Otherwise, I really don’t see anything wrong with discussing beliefs, politics, or whatever bugged you that day. It’s a heck of a lot better than “today I saw a bunny.” Debate can be good. Name-calling is not.  Being pugnacious on a daily basis might not be as good either. I’ve had to catch myself quite a few times putting four or five negative statuses up in a row bashing whatever thing I saw at school. It made me come across as hating my university and hating my life. Same thing with politics- it can turn many people away since they see you as more of a threat. As a Christian, Timothy urges us not to engage in unfruitful controversy, which can include many debates I’m seeing. It’s really up to you to decide whether what you’re talking about is going nowhere and is unfruitful and tearing people apart, or whether it is something that should be discussed at that particular time. Above all, learn to be optimistic as well. The world is not ending tomorrow because so-and-so was elected to whatever position.  

What’s most important to me in my relationship with my fiancé is that we respect each other. We have always been best friends and talk to each other about everything. But when it comes to the honeymoon stage, the lovey dovey feelings do not last forever. I will always listen to what I have to work on, what he wants out of the relationship, and what is important to him. That’s pretty dang rare to find in a couple. We all think we are right all of the time. But opening ourselves up to a differing opinion and understanding each other’s viewpoint is really not as bad as it sounds. Part of the reason I’m so used to doing this in other areas of my life is because we have different political views and I’ve already made a habit of putting myself in his shoes. I listen when he talks about finances, work, whatever because I’m used to doing so and respect him. Sometimes I’m wrong. 

Sexuality and Christianity

I've wanted to write this for so long.

Seriously, at a Christian University I get angry about this on a consistent basis (because I hear it all the time), and I need to write this down before I take my computer and throw it against a window.

I grew up in the Christian church - Literally, because my dad is a pastor. And after going to a great Christian University, I discovered the hard way how mind boggling screwed up Christian sex ed is. I know there's no special sex ed class we all take as Christians, but some of these belief systems people come out with are just..... whacked out. And by the way, I'm not even referring to monogamous versus polygamous relationships or abstinence. I'm not remotely hinting that it's bad to decide to be different from the rest of the world. I'm referring to actual knowledge of sex. Yes, I'm going to teach you a sex ed lesson. Bare with me (get it? I made a hilarious pun).

First of all, let me express this:
1) every single couple (and I'm including married couples who waited until marriage) is different sexually. Everyone. Every guy has a different sex drive and every girl has a different sex drive
2) Because of this, a person can't just speak up for people of the opposite gender and say "you wouldn't understand because you don't think sexually like me."

I have only heard this line used in a Christian setting. Maybe you haven't, but I'm sharing my personal experiences. My atheist friends have absolutely no problem being open about sexuality and knowing that the opposite gender wants it too. I'm graduating with a biology degree in a couple months. Men and women use different parts of their brain for sex and we obviously have different sexual organs. That's a no-brainer. But we, for some reason, are still believing black-and-white facts about sexuality. First of all, if you are different, you might get pissed at these next comments. However, these are experiences I've had with Christians. I'm also a believer, and that's why I'm focusing on us solely. So I'm not expressing this as some anti-Christian rant.

Myth:
1) guys think about sex every seven seconds
I laughed about this to a Christian guy and he said "well, you wouldn't understand. We really do." My atheist guy friend of course a couple months earlier said "oh my gosh, no we don't. Who the hell said that?" After hanging out with mainly men, I don't know one that would agree with this statement unless they were still going through puberty or had some sort of dysfunction. I know I can't speak on behalf of men, and how your sex drive is. That would be pretty low of me. But what I have really witnessed is that for some reason there seems to be this weird idea in the Christian community that guys are supposed to be super overly sexually aggressive and sex is supposed to consume their thoughts at all times. I experienced this kind of teaching in church sex ed classes directed towards females. Guys are disrespected as these overly-sexual fiends who want nothing more to do than breed like rabbits. I brought this up to the Christian guy and said "every seven seconds?"
"yes, I'm telling you. (inserts something else about me being super naive to what it's like to feel horny since I'm a female)" "Aren't you a student teacher?"
"So what? Are you seriously hinting that I think sexually about kids? That's disgusting."
"Well if you think about it every seven seconds you would pretty much inevitably be having sexual thoughts about your middle schoolers at one time or another."
sooner or later we got down to him thinking about sex every three or four hours. Hmmm....  changed a little.

2) Women need all these weird special things to get turned on. 
 I've heard the weirdest crap. One of my friends mentioned to me today that she was reading a blog post written by a guy on female sexuality. He says "Girls aren't turned on by sight and don't understand what it's like to feel extremely horny, they're turned on by touch and emotions and would rather talk then have sex."

Really now.

It took me two months to hold hands with my boyfriend, and I'm probably the most sexual human being that has ever walked on the planet. Thus, why I'm wasting my time writing about sex instead of studying for an important quiz. I don't give a flying rats ass about physical touch or romance. While that's still important in a relationship, I want that booty action.
Tell me this: The highest grossing book last year was Fifty Shades of Grey, which was not only a porno directed towards females- but was one on S&M at that. No touch involved.
Tell me this: Why Channing Tatum starred as a stripper and made a thick wad of cash because of the ridiculously high number of women who showed up to the movie not caring what the plot was about just to see his abs and dwell the rest of the day in sexual fantasies.
Tell me this: why every single man singer has to take off his shirt to an audience of women. Because abs are the sexiest part of a male. You think the penis is sexy and you're being modest by simply covering that region up? We're not turned on by penis, we're sexually turned on by hot, sweaty, sexy body. Causing a "brother to stumble" dressing "immodestly (which is another blog on its own)" is equivalent to "causing a sister to stumble" by taking off your shirt to play sports. For us, it's like seeing shirtless women bikini mud wrestle. It's dang sexy.

If men are so convinced that men will only get turned on by sight, I can not speak out against that. I wouldn't know, because I'm not a man. However, I would imagine that you would still get somewhat turned on if I decided to grope you in the nether regions instead of wear a sexy outfit. But imagine as a female that you can get horny and unhorny at any time of the day and the sexual fantasies can last for hours upon end with no sort of "blue balls" problems. Yeah, we can do that. And multiple orgasms. In fact, women are more likely according to neurological studies (which I can easily provide) to get turned on by male-female , female-female, and male-male sexual pictures. Men apparently get turned on by male-female and female-female. Also, women are far more likely to have fantasies about super kinky behavior. Like being chained by an attractive billionaire. Not saying guys don't, this is just what I read in peer-reviewed scientific journals. Also, women are said to achieve orgasm far frequently on their own than with a guy partner. For all you know, a girl could be seeing you play with your shirt off, then go back to her room and masturbate. You think that's just a "guy thing?" Many many Christian males have about blown a gasket when I give them sex statistics.

I'm also for the love of everything dear not saying that it's sinful for a guy to have his shirt off. My point that I'm making here as a female (since I'm sure a guy could easily have his own blog about warped Christian understandings of male sex) is that women should always dress "modestly" and men can wear whatever they want because women just don't get turned on like that. Don't believe that, it's fine. But I can not think of many women that would disagree with that statement. We have this weird idea that Christian females do not and should not have a high sex drive and won't ever get turned on by sight, yet men know that deep down inside. That's why they take their shirts off. "Wait, what? It's 100 degrees outside, and I was playing football. Of course I'll take my shirt off." Ah, now you know what it feels like. Because I got called out in 108 degree Oklahoma summer weather off of school campus for wearing shorts that were "too sexy" and a tank top to play volleyball in. Maybe... just maybe it's 100 degrees outside. Maybe it's okay for me to wear yoga pants to the gym that will turn a couple male heads since.... I'm taking a yoga class.

My pont hère is that every single person is different. I know women who wouldn't agree with anything I just said and would rather spend the rest of their lives never getting out of missionary position. I know other women who have more crotchless panties than they have shirts. Every single sex drive is different out there. What is NOT okay is us keeping sexual information from people growing up to the point where I have had to explain to girls: no you can't get pregnant in a pool, you have three holes, and basic sex facts they should have learned in middle school. I'm blown away with how completely clueless people are. "But Cassie, they'll learn that when they get married."
Sometimes they don't. Sometimes some women have had it engrained inside of them for so long that they are not supposed to be kinky or be sexual to the point where they are afraid to even know what they look like down there. I'm really seriously not exaggerating on this, and it concerns me when I'm seeing this fear of sexuality at 20-23 years old. This stuff bleeds into a marriage relationship as well. She'll put out the first week since it's "expected" then spend so much time using sex as a weapon or feeling like she's being taken advantage of since her husband is the only one asking to have sex. Sure, many women and men work differently. But assuming sexual behaviors on people of particular genders can really hinder sex. One thing a sexual counselor can say is "Well, your husband may have less of a time expressing his feelings when you haven't had sex in three months" and visa versa for women. You both are going to express sexuality differently at many times. But it is getting into deep water when assumptions are automatically made and people are living sexually fear-based lives. I know women who believe they are being sinful for getting horny, because it seems to be expressed that way. There is no black and white of sex.