THIS IS A POST ABOUT SEX AND NOT CLICKBAIT.

I've been reading so many blogposts lately about 50 Shades of Grey vs Christianity that the amount of cookies on my computer with the words "50 shades" could probably single-handedly cure worldwide hunger. Let me explain this before I begin: I haven't read the book. I probably won't watch the movie unless I get tricked into seeing it like the second Edward Sparklepants vampire movie. My friends told me we were going to see an "action packed thriller," and I probably should have asked more questions. I can't say anything about how poorly written any of them are since I'm reading much more upper-level impressive Shakespearean books like The Harry Potter series. I have no idea whether the book is a total suckfest or intriguing, and don't really care to know. Anything based off of romance or bondage is usually up there in the "books I won't read" pile along with the Bird Watching for Dummies that somehow made it to my bookshelf when I got married. I have no idea how terrible the book is for my morals either, since I haven't read it. It could be the single worst erotica ever written compiled as a popout scratch-and-sniff, and I wouldn't know. I'm guessing you're noticing a trend other than my sarcasm. I can't write a long example of why something is bad if I have no reasons to back it up other than hearsay. I CAN say that I've watched a lot of movies out there that gave me a full "surprise!" of male genitalia, a lot of butts, and so so many boobies that were also rated R. So many boobies. Yet no one is writing long blogposts about how these popular comedy or action movies catered more towards men are evil. I mean, I'm just imagining me writing some long blogpost about how the last Transformers movie starring a 17-year-old girl as the eye candy is doing nothing but promoting pedophilia in an otherwise crappy movie that should have just ended already after Megan Fox left, but I would be laughed into oblivion. Writing how men are destroying morals and Christianity by going to a film with a hot actress and erotic scenes would involve me being called a "jealous bitch" and a prude. It wouldn't work. Sure, some women are writing blogposts on how dangerous the 50 Shades series is, but I'm honestly surprised at the amount of Christian men who are blasting women for seeing a movie based off of popular erotica when a majority of mainstream movies aren't exactly great either. Yet again, in a déjà vu of Magic Mike, I'm seeing the Christian world go absolutely crazy over a movie that is dedicated to women's sex drives. Heaven forbid. It took decades for popular Christian magazines and blogs to frequently post that maybe porn is bad (aside from some obscure posts here and there), and as soon as a female-oriented sexual movie that's not even full fledged pornography comes out, it's seen as controversial and any woman who goes to it is obviously living a life of sin. My point is that if you're not actively speaking out against pornography or even erotica, it's beyond hypocritical to be immediately pointing out a "sinful" movie simply because it's one of the very few sexual movies out there that doesn't cater to your own gender and sexual orientation. Welcome to our world.

The problem I'm continually seeing in the Christian world is this huge mind-blowing freakout at visual sexual stimuli catering to women. Over and over again, I'm seeing these long explanations with preachers or writers trying to convince me that I'm only turned on by emotions while single women everywhere slowly scroll by a half naked ripped male model grabbing his junk and thanking God that the mainstream media figured out otherwise. I shouldn't be too surprised at the confusion involving female sexual stimulation when the clitoris was mapped out more than a hundred years later than the penis.... In 1998 by Dr. Helen O'Connell to be more precise. Using studies with fMRIs, researchers in multiple different studies found out men and women use much of the same areas of the brain when turned on sexually. These involve the inferior frontal lobe, cingulate gyrus, insula, corpus callosum (communication between both hemispheres), thalamus, caudate nucleus, globes pallidus, and inferior temporal lobe (Park et al. 2001). Otherwise, what greatly differs is how one gets turned on in the first place. Men are pretty point blank when it comes to scientific research on sex, and women are sexually complex enough to usually end each conclusion with a vague "we don't really know." According to research, women have an easier time seeing themselves as the porn actress, and men usually objectify from an outward perspective (Janssen et al. 2003). Men have a higher correlation between genital sexual arousal and horniness, which is one main reason why the areas of the brain responding to visual stimuli appear more pronounced on a male fMRI scan since many of the same areas are also giving the go-ahead produce that erection (Chung et al. 2013). Both men and women are turned on visually, although women according to a study by Chivers et. al shows women getting more turned on by a female naked body than a male naked body to a statistically significant point. In fact, while heterosexual men are mainly turned on by male-on-female and female-on-female action, the female mind seems to be turned on by male-on-female, female-on-female, and male-on-male action as well as even chimpanzees mating. Women are more likely to have fantasies about orgies involving more than three partners, as well as sadomasochism (hello, 50 shades) though many admit they wouldn't go through with it. Women, like the stereotype, can also be turned on by emotions (a love story with erotica, for example) while men usually aren't (WS Chung et al 2013). Because of this, women are also more likely to enjoy pornography with a back story while most men wouldn't care. Men usually have a higher libido in general, which of course differs from person to person and evens out more as people age. I could go on. No research supports the idea that women are feeble-minded sexless creatures who are going against their nature when they get turned on by visual stimuli. It would have an easier time supporting the idea that a woman is getting turned on by a giant gay orgy with some sadomasochism thrown in there, and possibly a couple chimps.

Women are sexual beings. The major differences come from basic evolutionary psychology finding women more natural picky when it comes to partners in real life since they have to deal with that whole annoying pregnancy and child-raising thing. Erotica may be morally questionable, but not it isn't confusing or controversial. This isn't feminism's fault for "making" women more sexual. If you want to go that route, blame God for creating women who are turned on by weird love stories involving sex, control, and sadomasochism. Girls will be girls, amiright? There's also nothing wrong with finding a novel or movie bad. As Christians, we're supposed to be aware and keep attention to things that seem morally "iffy" to us when we're not busy screaming at LGBTs (that's my pesky sarcasm again). I didn't see Magic Mike because I was in a long-term committed relationship and would feel convicted for watching a movie I knew was pretty much there for me to ogle at half naked dudes. That's okay. Im sure it's not some terrible movie, but I listened to my own conscience and follow 1 Corinthians 10:23 that highlights the fact that what is legal for me to do doesn't always mean it's beneficial to my walk with God. However, this nationwide Christian attack on one single movie is beyond ridiculous. It doesn't mean I judge you or hate you for posting on your feed or even writing an entire article about it, but I do believe it needs to stop. Everyone got the point already that a majority of Christians think it's wrong. I'm also more confused about many secular blogposts highlighting the abusive relationship and misunderstanding of BDSM, yet many Christian articles are just highlighting the sexual nature of it and seem to not even care about the abuse. It's making women feel disgusting for having a God-given sex drive, and few are saying anything about other erotic movies. It's time to stop freaking out. 

Christmas in July

I really suck at receiving gifts. When I was little, there was no way in earth I would ever be disappointed in a gift. I wanted any toy I saw on TV that was said in a high-pitched half scream after Saturday morning cartoons. No, I NEEDED that super soaker 6000 Swiss army squirt gun with two free liters of SURGE if ordered within 75 seconds!!! If anyone remembers what SURGE was, it was a special drink designed by neuroscientists as the single best method to determine if your child struggled with ADHD. I was a resounding "yes." Surge was banned in my family, or Cassie would get "creative" again. This wasn't the good kind of creative, this was the naked child on the roof screaming like a banshee kind of "creative." Each year I couldn't wait to tear my presents open on Christmas morning, secretly hoping it was that squirt gun that cost about as much as a vacation to Tahiti. 

Our family celebrates Christmas what everyone seems to call the "weird way" (haters). It takes us a solid two hours to go through presents regardless of the number of gifts, because we enjoy drawing our Christmas morning out as much as possible. Each one of us opens a present one by one, taking our sweet time. My little six-year-old self ensured everyone watched me as I tore open the wrapping paper, hoping for a squirt gun. I would usually then subtly put on the inevitable pair of socks I received instead with the same face as Ralphie in his pink bunny costume. But by golly, it was Christmas. This whole one-by-one approach is also how we play miniature golf, and is the sole reason every person most likely hates my family within a 15 kilometer radius of Myrtle Beach after our three hour 18 holer. But back to gifts, the older I have grown, the more I walk away from Christmas feeling guilty. "Dang it, they got you a twenty dollar gift card, why did you only spend fifteen on them?" Somewhere, somehow, someone will spend more than me on a gift, and I that automatically made me a cheap filthy bleep (you're welcome, mom. I'm now editing my posts). And random gifts? Those are the worst. There was a customer in front of me on two separate occasions who paid for my coffee or my fast food. Both times I walked away feeling like absolute scum. 

"I never do that for people. What kind of person am I?"

 "I'm not deserving of this at all. I could afford my latte, it's not even a necessity ."  

The nice gesture automatically turned into a way for me to realize what a terrible person I was. I ended up loathing the gift. 

My parents taught me growing up how to earn and save money, and taught me to buy everything I wanted myself. As a child i had a small allowance I would receive based upon how many chores I completed such as mowing the lawn or vacuuming, and once I hit my teenage years, I was expected to find a job. To the average adult, this is a basic way of life everyone needs to teach their children. To my teenage self, this was utterly ridiculous, as this made me have to do that whole stupid job thing and way less of that whole TV thing. And to think I still had to do chores on top of it! My parents were obviously terrible human beings set out on torturing me by not paying for my basic back-to-school items like "everyone else's parents, I'm telling you." Obviously I was being treated the same way as inmates at Guantanamo bay. How dare them! And to add to it, they had the nerve to lecture me on my spending habits. Of course, they made up lame excuses like "do you know how much your rent would technically cost each month? We provide food and shelter to you, and we're still your parents" (and all that lame stuff), and I would explain to them that they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, as I clearly needed to pierce my daith instead of going to my dentist appointment. "What's a daith?" "Ugh, mom, it's this part of the ear that looks cool when you stick a metal hoop through it. You know nothing about cool!" Now fast forward a few more years into what adults call "reality," and what I call "last week." I just completed my first year of marriage with my husband, and had my car economically totaled the day before our anniversary. Surprise! Happy anniversary! Then I found out the hard way that medical school applications went up another 50 bucks this year, and one school itself cost 175 dollars. Both of us wanted to apply to four. I let myself have it. I should have known better. I should have known Tulsans 128 years after the birth of the automobile still have no idea what a blinker is, and I should have learned in advance how much medical school would cost this year and save up for it, regardless of me expecting to never have to apply again after last year. Most people call this problem "life lessons you learn from." I called this "ways I'm an idiot." It took me a solid four days to admit to my parents I failed at being an adult, and now I owed more money than the United States. I vented and hung up, thinking to myself "why on earth would you tell them that?" It was insanely embarrassing for me to admit I was struggling financially from something I could have all been avoided if I planned accordingly. They must think I suck at being an adult. And do you know what they did? They gave me some money to pay for a week of a rental car. Those bleepholes!* They never give me money, they're obviously rubbing my failure in my face! And back to the whole self guilt trip. If I didn't fail before, I obviously did when my parents felt the need to help me out. 

I'm realizing just how often I forget that God is an actual father. I tend to get embarrassed the same way I did with my parents. "No no, I have this!" And I've actually openly lectured Him before when he had the nerve to be all nice to me when other people have it so much worse in the world. "Someone randomly came up and gave me free food when I knew I wouldn't eat today? What kind of crap is that, my hunger could have lasted a day!" Each time He showed his love to me in a tangible way, I would feel guilty. Someone always had it worse. Way worse. And to exacerbate my guilt, I knew I didn't deserve it in any way. Who does He think He is?  It became less about the relationship between father and daughter and way more about me. It wasn't basic Biblical humility, It was all works-based instead of love-based. I was only allowed niceness when I deserved it after painfully proving to God I was worthy enough. I continually saw Him viewing me as a servant, and this "niceness" didn't add up. I'm His child. I forget that God sees me through lenses of love. He sings over me when I sleep. He thinks the sun shines out of my hind quarters (to roughly quote Juno). My parents gave to me because they loved me. Not because they're playing a mind game with my overly competitive self, trying to show my  shortcomings. I didn't fail, I happen to have two loving parents that many others don't have, who continually teach me the nature of God through their actions. I'm allowed to accept a gift as a gift instead of a jab at my ego. I'm their child. It's about time I remember that my Heavenly Father is actually a father figure. The best father figure.

*insult aimed to compare said person to an anus 

"I'm sorry you're sad, here's some kittens"

If you go around the average elementary school and ask "what do you want to be when you grow up?" You'd get a slew of answers. In elementary school i wanted to be a missionary doctor.  My little sister wanted to be a grizzly bear. She ended up making much better grades than I did in school, so there's a sermon right there. We all (maybe I'm making an over generalization here) made thought-out plans growing up of what we wanted to do with our lives.  I assumed by now I would have already have built 20,000 orphanages, learned six languages, and lived for a short period in Uzbekistan for the hell of it. Instead, All I've managed to do is watch every episode of 30 Rock to the point where if my fever is high enough, I will wake up actually believing I'm Liz Lemon in the body of an overly-scrawny blonde chick still waiting for her breasts to arrive.

I've never heard a life story that didn't involve a change of plans, especially in the young adult years. In the day and age of technology, while technology is so wonderful and useful, we see the glorified pictures of everyone else. I fall for it too. We purposely avoid admitting when things didn't go according to plan, and only show the best of ourselves. Maybe you didn't do well in a particular major or you lost a job right after sharing the exciting news that you got one right after college. Maybe you're scared about keeping your marriage intact and everyone else seems so happy in their relationships. In both high school and college, I found out I graduated with honors the day before graduation. Both were rather humorous situations where I was handed a cord/card and stood staring at it in extreme confusion like "wait, I did this?" In college I subsequently hid it from those around me so no one knew I wasn't summa, regardless of me believing just a minute prior that I didn't even make cum laude. In the mind of a perfectionist, one is always stuck in the never-ending category of failure. In so many situations, we feel like we're sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else playing the game when God put us in a completely different game to begin with. In a utopian society where the Broncos and Panthers are the best football teams (shut up. stop laughing), it's like a Panthers player watching a Broncos player on the television and somehow feeling like a failure for not being in it. It's not your game. 

I made plans in high school to go into cosmetology and move to the beach, only to end up in the middle of a landlocked state that has never heard of vinegar-based barbecue sauce to obtain a random degree in premedical biology and a couple sciency minors I can't remember. I also had no plans of ever getting married. Life is weird that way. And it seems like every time some huge life change happens, it comes in clusters, or the "rule of three" as the Bible stated it. Or maybe it was 30 Rock, I can't remember. One of those two. Unfortunately, today my husband and I found out we didn't make it to medical school this year. We both received the same letter with the whole "thank you for spending a year and a half of your life sending in primary applications, secondary applications, an interview date, extra shadowing, harassing your professors for a recommendation, and 200 bucks. We totally loved you, but Bob was better" and the subtle troll meme face watermark. On top of it, Dennis' car broke down last week for good and we've seen no progress in the monoclonal antibody treatment for his chronic autoimmune condition. And after hearing the news, I drove to my job in a "woe is me, my brain and life have failith" attitude, contemplating how I would end up in the same place forever until I was eventually buried with my two new cats and a gravestone that said nothing other than "well....she tried." At work I sat down and immediately corrected ECG mistakes, picked up my immunology book for light reading, corrected a misspelling of the word "tyrosine," looked up "thyrosine" on Wikipedia to see if there was actually some alternate form of tyrosine I didn't know about, then corrected enzyme misspellings on the Wikipedia article about tyrosine. It was around looking up new research on NCBI involving stem cells and a 3D printer that I realized that 1. I'm completely insane and 2. God created me with nerd attaching to my hemoglobin instead of oxygen. I realized that I was taking this as completely my own doing, and chuckled at the thought of me assuming that missing a year somehow made me a failure and meant I should give up on reapplying. I believed that If I didn't make it and the kid who spent half of his time in college giving himself cirrhosis of the liver and the other half picking lint off his nipples in the back of the class made it, that means something is wrong with me and everyone would know it. 

The problem is that I believed somewhere deep down inside that I controlled the outcome of my entire life and would be rewarded for working hard in the way I wanted. Life doesn't work that way. Very few people get into the first job they apply for or the first graduate/medical school. I would have to admit that there's this Higher Power up there that may actually know more than me about my own life, no matter how much I try to prove to Him that I totally have it handled. And if the worst thing about my week is that I'll have to wait another year to spend 150 grand on higher education just to be later colloquially crapped on by malpractice suits, I'm having a much easier time than 99% of the world. Plus, we have two super cute kittens now, and I'd like to think of it as a cute makeup for a crappy week. Like "Hey Cassie, sorry you're sad, here's some kittens." - God

So here's to the future (I'm making a toast with my hospital coffee that due to the taste may or may not actually be the remnants of a colostomy bag). None of us have complete control over it. Sometimes you end up in a  different place in life than you expect, which makes you similar to approximately everyone else on planet Earth as well as Gallifrey. Instead of comparing ourselves negatively to everyone having "more fun," and being "more successful" according to edited pictures, it's way more important to focus on our own moments in our own game. Luckily we don't get "lol we liked you but not really" slips from heaven. Our purpose in life isn't influenced by other people's expectations of where we should be. I think life is more interesting with detours anyways. 

The "E" word (hint, it rhymes with "Smevolution")

I'm not normally the type to write on this subject, but after seeing tons of pictures online last week of Creationists who were trying to attack evolution using invalid arguments, I decided to use my biology degree for the only purpose it has: writing random blogposts that no one will read. I’m a Christian myself, I promise you. I believe God created the world. And I’m not here in any way to debate creationism or persuade someone to believe exactly what I do. If I’ve learned anything growing up, trying to convince people to have the same worldview as me usually leads nowhere. 

            In an age of technology, everyone is apparently a bleeping expert in everything. Next blogpost I write could be about the best ways to start a business (I’ve never taken a single business class), and somehow that blogpost would go around the internet as “expert” advice while I sit back laughing maniacally. Similarly to how the only marriage posts I saw going around the internet last year were been written by random single people calling me an idiot for getting married. My point here is that it’s okay if you’ve never taken more than the required biology course you were supposed to take in high school or college. I’m not asking you to be some expert in evolution and everything related to biology. However, I do know the problems first hand that people can face growing up in the church their entire life without learning evolution in the first place. I was taught by some people that the mere understanding of it and reading up on it could "lead me away from God," and from others that there's no point in learning about it if we already know "the truth." Because of this, I never so much as picked up a book containing anything related to an understanding of evolution by the time I graduated high school. And if I was able to get by with this in 2009, I know there were a ton of other people out there who also haven’t studied details of evolution, but are still bothering to debate it. So the main reason I’m writing this post is to bring up a few arguments I’ve seen over and over again by creationists that could never work when talking to an evolutionist. And lucky for me, in the process of trying to find examples, I found out that they were already written for me in giant signs after the debate last week. 

The first argument is “if we evolved from monkeys, how come monkeys still exist?” This is one of the most obvious signs someone has not properly studied what evolution is in the first place haha. What evolution teaches is that we share a common ancestor with a bonobo (type of ape). Picture a family tree. Let's say you have a grandmother who was born with blue eyes, and a grandfather with brown eyes. She had a boy with brown eyes and a girl (your mother) with blue eyes. You have blue eyes, but your cousins all have brown eyes. You look at your mother and say “how the heck do brown eyes still exist if we all have blue eyes?” This is what that argument sounds like to someone who has been studying evolution. When you look at a family tree (called a phylogenetic tree when comparing species), one branch goes one way, and another branch goes another way. That’s about as basic as I can possibly put it. Not everything is going to evolve the same way. Taking micro-evolution into consideration, you have tons of domesticated dog breeds that share a common ancestor with a dog 31,000 years ago that most closely resembles a Siberian Husky. Even within a species, some breeds last and others don't. A husky and a golden retriever sharing a common ancestor does not mean that the husky will become extinct and only golden retrievers will last. In the case of macro-evolution, believing species have the capability of evolving does not always mean the original species is eradicated.

Another argument involves anything with the phrase “just a theory.” This makes me (or anyone in the field of science) cringe even more than hearing someone pronounce the word “espresso” like “expresso.” A theory is a huge term in science. Please do not ever confuse the words “hypothesis” with “theory.” These two words have completely different meanings. In the field of science, the two highest labels are “law” and “theory.” The word "law" in the field of science pertains to an analytical statement, usually in the form of a mathematical formula. Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation, for instance, provides one with the ability to measure the gravitational pull between an object and the earth. A theory, on the other hand, explains why something happens. Gravity could also be considered a theory due to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. This theory has been greatly supported through countless experiments. Even a GPS working properly after scientists accounted for the gravitational time dilation helps support this theory. It’s just common knowledge in the field of science that you can’t ever use the word “proven” when supporting a theory. Not because it isn’t accurate, but because you can’t “prove” something completely that isn’t entirely explained with a formula. Luckily for people in the field of math and physics, mathematics is the only area in the entire planet where we can actually prove something with mathematical proofs (I might be exaggerating a tad, but not really). In the field of science, a theory is practically the same thing as saying “fact,” except you have to always leave the option open to disprove it (falsifiability). The Germ Theory, for instance, will never be "disproven." Bacteria cause diseases. We know that. However, we just can’t prove it with math. Saying the word “just a theory” to a scientist is pretty much saying “but it’s just fact!”

The Theory of Evolution is a much broader term than many people assume. If you believe in micro-evolution, the fact that species change over time (basic knowledge), then you believe in aspects of the Theory of Evolution even if you don’t believe in macro-evolution - the portion of the theory that postulates large scale change between major groups of organisms over large spans of time. However, there are different hypotheses/postulates that contribute to the theory of evolution that have not been supported enough to be considered a theory. If you disagree with one of these, you should argue against these specific hypotheses. Perhaps you don’t think that Haeckel’s famous embryos were an accurate representation of comparing species at their earliest stages of development. But saying “evolution is just a theory” ensures the individual you’re conversing with of your complete lack of understanding in the area of scientific inquiry. This isn’t going to start out the conversation well. Also, there is no "theory of the Bible" as one of the signs being held by an individual in the photo above says. The Bible is a book. I follow the Bible's scriptures, I love the Bible, but it's still a book. 

First of all, the Big Bang is not part of the Theory of Evolution. There are plenty of evolutionists that don't believe the Big Bang ever occurred in the first place. For those that do, dying stars become black holes, they don't form planets. I have no idea where this kid got the idea of a star. The Big Bang did not originate with an exploding star...that's called a nova or a supernova if it's particularly large. The prevailing consensus is that the Big Bang was an explosion that involved an extremely-hot, and infinitely-dense core of energy. And no stars were involved since by definition, stars didn't exist yet, haha. Although I have to say that when I found out there was a giant explosion growing up, I thought "holy crap, that explains Genesis when God said 'Let there be light!'" I thought it actually helped explain the Bible more than just some light bulb going off. From my understanding of God, I think He's a little more powerful than saying "let there be light" and simply *bloop* happened. I would imagine some giant explosion took place. But yes, this kid could have used a similar (and more effective) argument to attack another worldview and say "where did the original matter or energy come from?" just like Creationists have to support the idea that a Creator was always there to begin with. Either way, something had to exist in an eternal state (whether a supernatural God or the universe itself) from the perspective of either worldview. 

Science is not a theory; it is a method of gathering knowledge about the world around us. And a theory IS testable, observable, and repeatable. That's actually practically the definition of a theory. And by saying science instead of "evolution" (which would have made a lot more sense), you're pretty much saying that neither creationism nor the theory of intelligent design can be remotely supported by science because science is inversely related to intelligent design. That's a bad thing. This is probably the most face-palming of all face palms. 

*There 

...and if you're going to explain your view that the gorgeous world that surrounds you supports your idea that a Creator is behind it all, I would highly suggest not making it sound like science hasn't actually figured out what causes sunsets in the first place. 

Fear and Intimacy

I can remember one time I randomly received a text from my dad after sneaking off to a party in high school. It just said this:  "Hey, I love you and just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you."

Fantastic.

I spent the rest of the evening with people asking me "are you okay?" "you seem tired."
Well, yeah. Now I felt like a guilty asshole with my sweet father back at home thinking I was dreaming about sugar plums and butterflies, when I was at some random person's house funneling a couple of crappy cheap beers. I just felt nauseous. And this time, not because of the beer. I can guarantee that if he texted me "I'm disappointed in you. we know you're not home, and we think you're a drunk whore," like I expected, that I would have laughed it off and texted back "what's new, you're always disappointed in me." Why couldn't he always be like that? No, he had to be all sweet and proud of me for who knows what.

I hear the same kind of expectations nowadays when it comes to God. It seems like every time someone explains God's love as never-ending and how important sharing God's LOVE is with "sinners" instead of scaring them into Christianity with fear, either in some sermon or even a facebook post of some kind, I will almost inevitably see the same response. Someone (with good intentions) will immediately say "Well, then people will just go on sinning all the time and simply just ask for forgiveness."

Yup, probably.

Look, God isn't some big teddy bear sitting in the sky. People are right in that he isn't a wimp and walking around like Barney the Dinosaur singing "I love you" nonchalantly as if he's oblivious to the pain and torture going on in the world. But... he also isn't Zeus with human characteristics waiting to strike down whoever sins first.

Have you ever been watching youtube, and somehow watching videos of neuroscientists explaining chronic traumatic encephalopathy turned into watching videos of people popping their gigantic back cysts? Just me, then? I can remember this one time in particular where I randomly stumbled upon videos on tsunamis.  I started watching a video, originally assuming it was a news source, that ended up being cellphone videos of people personally watching the tsunami in Japan. If I had to give you advice, never watch these, if they still even exist. I never cry. My husband gets nervous about this strange personality flaw of mine. If I'm crying, it's a really really big deal to me. This made me cry so insanely hard that I probably woke the dead and caused some kind of zombie apocalypse in Tulsa, Oklahoma. People were standing on a large hill overlooking the city and recording the tsunami with their cellphone. It started in one corner, and they are literally watching the hoards of water rushing towards running people on low ground. They knew some of these people. Family, loved ones, acquaintances. Some of them were young children. All running on dry land, and only those standing on the hill knew this tsunami was going to inevitably sweep up and kill them. All you heard was screaming. The main guy filming this had his screams translated into English subtitles at the bottom "God no! Please help them! God please!" This was screamed over and over again next to other blood-curdling screams of many women. All you heard was screaming. If I had to have any sort of glimpse of hell on earth, this was probably it. It was one of the most satanic disgusting things I've ever seen. I couldn't possibly imagine the pain these people were experiencing. Everything was gone. Everything and everyone, and now they were haunted by the nightmares of their loved ones being swept up by water as they watched helplessly.

 A couple days later I saw a quote by some famous pastor blaming some natural disaster on whatever sin was most controversial at that time. Oh tornadoes ripping apart people's homes and killing their family? Nevermind the fact that Oklahoma is probably the most conservative state in the nation, God totally wanted to destroy lives by telling Oklahoma that it just wasn't quite conservative enough. Because anything liberal is evil. And, of course, Wall Street is still totally pristine. They're sinless. Duh.

Let me just say something. If God had anything to do with that tsunami in Japan, of which i only witnessed about 8 minutes, then he is the most cruel God that has ever existed. I have witnessed people possessed off their rocker, and have never seen anything as satanic as that tsunami. I can not compare some witch doctor with weird glossy eyes screaming even weirder things in another voice with young mothers on a hillside screaming at other mothers having their children ripped out of their arms. It doesn't compare. Give me the creepy possessed or severely psychologically unstable dude any day over that. What I'm saying is that I would hang around a demon than worship whatever God this pastor was following. That would be a God who had an obsession to kill, steal, and destroy. Which... doesn't really sound like the jedi counsel. More like the dark side of the force. If you know what I'm hinting at here.

We don't follow satan. We're not following a God that wants to destroy our lives. He doesn't want to "teach us a lesson" by killing our firstborn child or ripping a couple limbs off because we might have said the "f" word at John Doe's wedding. As a dad, sometimes He'll let us know we're doing something stupid. Because He enjoys conversation and enjoys being our Dad. But sometimes we put our own selves in stupid situations (obviously I'm not including natural disasters here at all). If  someone took off with my purse at some party I went to, that would be my own fault for bringing expensive items while I was intoxicated, not God's fault. If a drunk driver hit and killed a family, that's not God trying to teach the drunk driver a lesson about the dangers of driving over the legal limit, that's the drunk driver being an idiot and destroying someone's life in the process. I don't believe God would intentionally kill a family to teach one person a lesson about the dangers of drinking behind the wheel.

There are people who will take advantage of anything. Including the love of God. Yeah, He'll love them regardless of the fact that they are living lives no different than they used to. And yes, I'm not ignoring the fact that He hates sin. But if our sole purpose was just to simply get into heaven, then why not? Makes sense. I live however the hell I please (no pun intended), ask for forgiveness every now and then, and voila! Fun time on earth with a free ticket to heaven! One of the super weird aspects of God is the fact that he craves communication and intimacy with pathetic humans that he created Himself. On top of it, he won over death by sending his own son to die in our place. That's weird. There is nothing normal about that. It's so easy and natural (and quite frankly, makes more sense) to view God as a bad God. Because intimacy with humans and some bubbly consistent love for us makes about as much sense as a porcupine working in a balloon factory. He knows what we do in our spare time, for goodness sakes. You'd think he would hate us. So for those that say... "but God hates sin and so it's better for people to be scared into Christianity so they won't go on living the way they used to." I can't agree.

Anyone who has ever read Isaiah can say that there is an awesome fear of the Lord. He's powerful. I mean, dang, He's awesome and powerful. Hosea 3:5 says "they shall fear the Lord and His goodness in the latter days." Before this, Hosea mentions the yearning the Israelites will have for Him. There is an emphasis placed on the "anxious" fear of His.... goodness. On top of it, this fear of the ultimate good and loving nature of God usually comes after a yearning one has for Him in the first place. However, the Bible also says He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, and of power, and of a sound mind. I don't know everything about God. I would never even kind of claim that. Revelation says that there are creatures that sit in front of the throne surrounded by eyes, and these creatures have something new to praise Him about every second (cool, huh?). None of us will ever know every aspect of God, it's one of the cool mysteries we'll continue to unravel. But leading people to Christ through fear-based mechanisms and screaming hell at them is using an attribute counter-opposite to his character. While we are told to fear the Lord, it's not talking about me seeing God as a terrible being, but a mighty one. It doesn't cause me to be afraid of God, but to surrender to Him. To worship Him in reverence. Psalm 19 describes it as "pure." Being afraid of something would never be defined as pure and lovely, it's terrible. While sin is something that obviously should be talked about and not ignored, and God hates sin (obviously), I believe that living in a constant fear of hell is just another way that satan draws attention back to himself. A toddler, for instance, will do anything to draw attention to themselves, even if it's for negative reasons. I don't believe I'm supposed to crap myself with fear for God's thunderbolt and a path to hell every time I might mess up. As a Christian, I've never been afraid of going to hell. Why would I? Hell isn't an option for me. That's a good feeling.

Just like with my dad, the more people see of the insane incomprehensible love God has for them, the less they usually want to keep sinning. If you grew up with parents, or just a mom or a dad, and they greeted you every morning by looking you straight in the eye saying "you have no idea what kind of difference you will make in this world. I love you. I'm proud of you," would you be more or less likely to continually and purposely disobey them? What if they kept telling you everything you were failing at? They already hate you, why not? Some people will accept Christ and then just kind of flop around living however they please. That's also all that matters to them. Just squeeeezing their way into heaven, if they make it. But what kind of walk is that? Should Christianity not also be about the intimacy we share with God, and not just about trying to secure a place in heaven? A fear-based sermon is only about heaven vs. hell and does not explain why we even want to have a relationship with him in the first place. There seems to be a huge concern that people will "take advantage" of the love of God if we tell people about His true loving nature, when wanting to sin less is part of a natural relationship with Him. If He didn't communicate with humans, then that concern would make more sense. My point is that some people will take advantage of anything they can get by with. While others are living in fear of hell, or others are simply trying to just squeeze their way into heaven, others are living a life involving growing in intimacy with the God of the flipping Universe. You don't develop a close relationship by screaming at your child, you develop it from love. You develop intimacy by talking and loving up on your spouse, not telling them they suck at washing pans. How much more powerful is it that we focus on love instead of fear?

Growing up Christian

I grew up in the church my whole life as a PK if I haven’t said this 46,000 times on my posts already. And there’s a reason PKs are either viewed as super sheltered or Katy Perry (who I happen to think is kind of awesome, but you get my point). There’s not too many that fall “in between” because, quite frankly, it’s super hard to be forced into a religion without any explanation about why you believe what you believe. You have all of these questions in your head, but you’re too embarrassed to ask them and are probably getting yelled at for being late for Sunday school instead. You either follow it blindly, secretly have doubts and don’t tell anyone because your dad is practically Moses, or one day wake up and go “why the hell am I following this guy anyway?” I was the latter. Over time, I developed a sense of identity. I was a Christian, but I also knew why. I would definitely always say that having your faith tested is one of the most important things a Christian can ever go through. Over time, however, I’ve also picked up on ridiculous Christian cliches. I mean, I lived in the church. Most of them are pretty much parents trying to get their kids to stop doing “bad things” by giving some random Bible explanation that doesn’t actually exist. And da da da (cue awesome music)… this is exactly why some people are leaving the church. Because this crap keeps getting passed down from generation to generation, and no one is stepping back and saying “where did you even get that idea?” I remember this lady ragging on some guy’s smoking habit and how sinful it was. Smoking cigarettes is one of those habits that has been randomly accepted as a sin that was accepted as a social expectation just fifty years ago. All of a sudden, it’s evil and a sign of rebellion, and none of us know why. One time in particular, my dad went to the mall and saw a member of the church he recognized, and the guy spent the whole time hiding a cigarette behind his back with the smoke bellowing out of his head like some angry cartoon character. He looked simply ridiculous, came across as having the intelligence level of an amoeba, and had no reason to hide. So what if your pastor sees you smoke? If you just told your doctor that you stopped smoking, and he saw you, that would be a different story.

"But, your body is a temple" the lady said while chewing on her Big Mac. “I mean, I know he has a severe anxiety disorder, but smoking marijuana is a sin, everyone knows that” She continued while downing two lab-created pain medications with possible spontaneous combustion and peeing fire as side effects. 

It seems like people are absolutely convinced my generation is super evil because we’re finally asking the question “why?” Or we’re wicked for standing up for equality and the financially disadvantaged, and so many church members can’t seem to read past Leviticus to get to root of Jesus’ nature. These same people will then judge individuals for leaving the church after they couldn’t provide any answers without wimpy “Christian-accepted” responses.

"My mom died, I was so close to her. Why would God would let this happen?"
"Well, He has His reasons. It was in His plan. I’ll pray for you to be happy!" 

Well, no wonder someone would leave the church after hearing that. You just indirectly agreed with this person that God was the reason her mother died, and somehow she's not being a good Christian because she's not smiling. Honey, be HAPPY God killed your mother, she's having so much more fun than you right now mourning and stuff. That's pretty much what you're saying. In reality, you don’t feel like taking the time to sit down to actually talk about it, refer her to someone that can, or just shut up and give her a damn hug already. Let me say this: Bad things happen to Christians too. I get that Paul talks about considering it joy when we face trials, but having a close family member or having your innocent four-year-old child die is not a "trial." A trial is getting a pay cut or having your best friend you worked next to for ten years quit. Losing a child is hell. It was hard enough just watching my grandparents go through that, I couldn't possibly imagine what that personally feels like. Yes, I believe that God is wonderful and can bring life or something good out of a terrible situation. Maybe someone will come to Christ through it. But he didn't kill a child to cause someone to accept Christ. Death is something really super crappy we face as mortal humans that you don't just "get over" one day. Stop saying other cliches like "oh he just wanted to take his child home." No, God didn't kill your four-year-old to "take her home" for kicks and giggles. That wasn't God. Jesus himself cried after his friend died, shouldn't that mean something? We can't go around saying Christian cliches to make people stop crying because it's making us uncomfortable. Mourning is a natural part of life, and we shouldn't try to stop the mourning process. Encouragement and having a shoulder to lean on as a friend? Yes. Crying with them? Yes. Stopping the mourning process because all Christians should slap a fake smile on their face when they're going through a difficult time? No. 

 I really hate the fact that so many people are actually looked down upon for researching and asking questions. If they leave the faith, it’s totally their Christian-hating professor’s fault or their evil ways of partying, and has nothing to do with the fact that you told them to blindly follow the Bible their entire lives without offering explanations. Real explanations, not “Mom, how come this seems like a total contradiction in the Bible?” and you reply with, “God just has his reasons, now eat your spinach.” I get that not everything in Christianity can be figured out in an algorithm. Having some open cool mysteries of life like “when does life begin?” are things that will simply never be answered, neither by science nor religion. There is no “soul entering” enzyme I learned about in embryology. I also believe in reading the Bible and God speaking through His Word, don’t think I’m discrediting the Bible at all. But I really believe one of the reasons colleges are mentioning an increase in theology degrees is because many want their questions answered. That’s a good thing. I know many people that would last about five minutes in an intelligent theological discussion with an atheist because they really don’t have a clue about what they believe or even what half of the Bible says. I’m sure any atheist reading this will laugh in agreement. I know very few atheist friends of mine that don’t know more about the Bible than the average Christian, because they researched how to argue with one. That’s not okay of us. Also, as someone who graduated with a science degree, I really believe that the reason so many kids start learning science and shying away from God is because you forgot to mention that science is not actually the opposite of Christianity. God created science. But science (which you taught them is “wrong”) seems to be answering their questions a lot more than empty legalism.  

Value

I once had to bring out food to a 14 top of screaming children and then had to leave to clean vomit out of the bathroom. Not a good night. I walked back to a table to ask how things were going, and instead got yelled at by a white collar worker who said "you're just waiting tables with your life, are you really too stupid to refill my water?" Not to mention I lost fifteen dollars worth of a tip. I was seething. I had fantasies for the next six hours of me putting on a white coat and saying "want to know what I got on my MCAT, bitch?" This week I got yelled at by a particular hospital worker because a patient went into V-tach and I was given the wrong room number by the receptionist who was cutting up with her boyfriend. That patient could have died, and if she did, I would have been that stupid girl in the back room staring at heart monitors that would have ha
d to take the blame. 

Quite frankly, there isn't a job in the world where you don't come out eventually thinking "why am I not respected?" No matter how "high" or "low." I'm honestly pretty glad I get to work at the "low" jobs for a long time, because it's taught me enough empathy where I see that stupid lazy burger flipper as a single mother who is thanking God on a nightly basis that she found a job. Ironically, the same people who laugh and say "you're a monitor tech, I would know better than you how to read this ECG because I actually went to college (seriously)" have no idea what degree I have and that I'll be over them one day. I've learned over time to hold my tongue, because I've never once regretted it. Here's the thing. Everyone has the similar problems at their job. They aren't respected. No one notices what they do. If they are higher up, they are judged and hated by those that are under them. They're just an "asshole that gets paid too much." These angering moments are held in. Eventually, people end up hating their job and spend most of their time fantasizing about how they are going to quit in some extravagant face-punching way. 

I've learned this over time: If I am miserable now in the way I am treated by other people because they don't see me the way God sees me, then I will be miserable at every job I've ever had. If I see becoming a doctor as some way I can finally "get revenge" on those who never had faith in me, I will be miserable. Most of them won't give a flying rip, and they will be replaced by new people who hate my guts. There is no magical job or livelihood where everyone bows before you and feeds you ice cream. Besides an ice cream taster at Ben&Jerrys, and that would be certainly be a magical job. I have absolutely no control over what people think about me. I've been in a four-year relationship and still called a whore by "Christians" because of whatever rumor they heard or because I wore a tight outfit. I've been called "a spoiled brat" by faculty members high up in leadership at a Christian university because I wrote a tiny little letter about sexism that no one remembers except them. And while I was leading women to Christ through it, they ironically said I was used of satan. I had a guy at a car dealership talk to me in baby talk because he thought I wouldn't understand car lingo as a woman. I've had people complain about my "fake Christian" persona because I drink beer and I'm friends with people of other sexual orientations. I've been repeatedly pointed at in art districts because I dress preppy. I've had to eat lunch in the bathroom growing up because I was never popular. I had a guy complain about how tiny my breasts are while I was working out last week because apparently it affected his workout. People can be assholes. I know great wars could have been avoided by the words "never assume." And while I have no control over what people assume about me or how they treat me, I have every control in the world of if I choose to believe it. And I have every control in the world of how I treat them back. 

I would be a very miserable person right now if I really thought I was just a "insert job here."  I am the child of the God who created the Universe that is still constantly expanding. He is still creating stars as we speak, which has been shown through physics. I'm the child of the God who created my antibodies with a possible combination of literally 100 billion combinations for 100 billion different possible diseases with it's own unique set of DNA. I'm the child of the God who created me with 100 trillion synapses in my brain interconnecting 100 billion neurons, multiplied by the billions of people in the world (adds up to roughly 7x10^23), who still takes every thought I have into consideration and wants to fulfill my dreams. He sings over me when I sleep and engraved my name into the palm of his hand. Yet somehow I still manage to wake up in the morning craving the attention I believe I deserve from humans, and treating them the way they treat me, with the need to always be right and a complete lack of compassion. In reality, I am complaining and gnashing my teeth at other beautiful humans that He sent his son to die for from suffocation and hypovolemic shock. He was serious about having faith in them. He has a fantastic plan for their futures, and I can't do a damn thing about the love He has for them. In reality, this aggression towards His anointed makes me wrong. Either He was mistaken in dying for them, or I am wrong for judging them for judging me. No, we're not always respected. It sucks. But when we learn to put or hope in someone a lot greater than some of the rude people around us, life becomes a little more fun. I have no control over what people say about me. But I do have control over whether I take hold of those words and hate myself and my job because of it. If we saw the priceless value that we really had, our whole perception of reality changes. And it's beautiful.