Every year
I watch the sheer happy nature of the freshman come in ready to start their
college career. I would assume the excitement is very similar at any college
one goes to. Ours, of course, has a whole lot less of the “I can’t wait to get
shwaysted” and a whole lot more of a ridiculous amount of testimonies and
detailed life stories. I can smell a freshman ORU student as soon as they walk
into another area of Tulsa, for they come in swarms and act as if they are in a
youth church camp. There’s not necessarily anything remotely wrong with this.
It was, however, very noticeable that their whole mentality changed within the
first semester. By the time everyone graduates, it seems as if everyone here
either leaves bitter or ecstatic with a billion friends. I really can’t think
of anyone that left here mediocre. Churches are pretty similar. Either people
leave making a huge scene about how much they hate everyone, or leave bawling
their eyes out because they loved it so much. I can’t think of many people that
leave and go “meh, after staying here four years, lets just go to another one
next week.” There’s almost always hurt and bitterness involved. Apparently
that’s pretty similar at a Christian university.
When I came
here, I didn’t expect a huge life change. We all come here for different
reasons, but most of us similarly wanted to grow in spirit along with our
studies. I never had any sort of “Jesus moment” that caused me to feel as if I
was supposed to come here. I simply just wanted to break myself free of where I
was at the moment to become a doctor. With my love of alcohol, chances are, I
would be spending more time partying than I would be studying. It wasn’t a huge
life change or some secret desire to become the next Billy Graham; it was a
simple decision that could possibly impact my future for the better. Of course,
one problem with going into a Christian environment is the amount of
assumptions that come along with it. I assumed for some reason that I wouldn’t
struggle with any of the same self-hatred, guilt, and depression that I would
fall into back at home. There was some idea in the back of my head that I would
make lots of great friends, stop struggling with addictions, and grow in God. I
assumed that no matter what, this would at least impact me in a positive way. I
put my hope into the University and not in who I should have.
What’s hard
is that this is the general assumption many make when coming here; that the
University will do something for them, and boy does that never work. We assume
that if something is supposedly God-ordained, that like God it is perfect.
We’re not only expecting the normal high expectations most universities get,
but we find ourselves subconsciously expecting Spiritual perfection. As most of
us have discovered by now, they are run by people that don’t have everything
together. And one of the biggest, most insulting problems so many of us see is
the obsession with becoming so flawless to the outside population that they
forget about the students.
My freshman
year was not anything like I imagined. Struggling with the same unmentioned
crap I did at home, I started eating food completely alone, sleeping in my car,
and hated by people so much they would literally stand up and walk away from me
in chapel. Let me repeat that: they would leave me to sit helpless and alone in
CHAPEL. According to the outside world and my friends back home, I was the
funny girl they could go to when they felt sad. Here I was seen as a whore and
not worth even communicating with. I became neurotic, quick to become angry or
defensive and assumed because of the small nature of the school that every
single person was out to get me. I was far from home, had no friends to rely
on, no God that cared about me in my assumption, and became a psychological mess.
Through this I saw everything wrong with the school. I saw that instead of
catching women who were obviously trying break the dress code, it became a
matter of codes and regulations where I would have to hold actual rulers up to
my legs to see if I was worthy enough to walk in the school. It changed from a
concept of dressing business casual and “modest” to strict rules so precise
that I would have to go back and change if I was an inch off in a cute business
suit. People turned each other in for drinking when not abiding to your
aerobics points was also against the honor code. Girls came back in crying,
secretly explaining to me that guys in leadership positions raped them and they
were too afraid to come forward. They did, however, have to pay a fifty-dollar
fine for coming late after getting raped. My gay and lesbian friends that went
to the university were shunned like they had a disease. If they were loved by
the student population god-forbid they come out to leadership. What started out
as excitement to come to a Christian university became righteous anger for the
unloved and ignored.
My
sophomore year I finally began to shake off the dirt I was thrown in, and
realized for the first time that God was not one to immediately shun someone
for sinning or push us to the ground out of hatred. It took me the whole year to figure that out.
I was on a hallway of great women and was so afraid to come out of my room that
I have no fun memories of that year. I was quiet, angry, and still rather
neurotic. And I don’t mean I had a psychological disorder, I was quick to
getting offended and distrusted most people due to experience. I realize that
it took the floor to fall out from under me to understand who God was and how
important he was in my life. He wasn’t the one gay-hating, slut-shaming, or
holding rulers up to women’s legs. Instead, he sent His flawless son to die for
them. What a difference. What I’m not hinting at is that this is a terrible
school filled with hateful, spiteful, people. What I am saying is that it’s
filled with humans. All at completely different walks of life, and all who see
God in a different way, judge in a different way, and love in a different way.
When it comes to a school that also expects spiritual progress as well as
academic progress, many can fall into hating themselves because they can’t keep
up or hating themselves because their calling in life is “sinful” in other’s
eyes. As in, there are going to be plenty of people ministering in bars while
others minister to kings. There are people who are here to stand up on stage
and change the world, and others who are here for the hurting, bitter, and
falling apart. And I am one of those people. No job is more important than the
other.
It came to
the time where I was so tired of hearing of rapes, obsessions with modesty, and
spiritual expectations of the women here that I wrote this article last year on
sexism. What was meant to start conversation like every college newspaper
around US does became a complete heyday of censorship. And the assumptions that
came with it about who I was as a person did not send me back into some state
of depression, but was rather humorous. While I took that week to lead women to
Christ and bring life into the lives of girls who were taken advantage of sexually
to find other girls in the same predicament, they were judging me and calling
me an “ entitled brat.” A brat who lead women to Christ and had about fifty
cents in her wallet. It wasn’t even insulting, it was as if God opened my eyes
for the first time to stop blaming myself for everything and realize that
sometimes they were wrong. Because I could bet money on the fact that they
weren’t leading anyone to Christ that week.
What has
happened the past week due to firings is nothing new to human nature: people
loving an individual in a leadership position than hating him the next minute.
In fact, if you look at your surroundings you see this on a daily basis. I’ve
seen people go from loving to condemning people for simply having a beer at a
restaurant. What is good for us to do is step back and observe every situation
and try to figure out how to bring life out of it. Because that is the single
hardest thing to do when someone offends you and doesn’t seem to really care. And
it sucks more when people play the God card, because it makes the observer
assume that they are indirectly telling them that they are not of God. It’s
dangerous. But I’ve observed something as a bio major that even the nastiest
crap can grow a flower out of it. Okay, worst and sappiest analogy ever, but my
point still stands.
What I learned
over the years is that positive thinking is a choice, not something bestowed
upon me by my surroundings. This whole experience at ORU changed me completely,
but not in the way I ever expected. It caused me to fall on the ground and pick
myself up again. In being shunned and hated by so many that first year, I
learned to look at the face of God for myself and separate the fake from the
real. It wasn’t Him that was treating me inappropriately, it was
humans that were just as confused and unaware of spiritual reality as the rest
of us. I originally found myself jealous of those who were so loved by the
student body. Seen as “good Christians” and world-changers. They were seen as
having gifts of changing the world, while my Spiritual job was that of all the
king’s horses and all the king’s men. I was in the background trying to put
people’s pieces back together again. Yet I realize now with great emphasis just
how important that job is. I may not be in the spotlight, but I’m here for the
hurting. And even the emotional and spiritual world needs doctors.
I can say
watching my dad that it sucks to be in a leadership position in a Christian
environment because you seem to get charged with deciding morality as well as
getting blamed for everyone’s problems. I can’t sit back and blame specific
people for anything wrong. Heck, if I know or what they’re going through on a
daily basis. I at least will submit in my position as a student and see them as
respectful leaders. But it is a freedom to know that sometimes they don’t know
everything. And it is always important to focus on the good instead of every
bad problem, for bitterness will eat you alive more than disease. But more than
all, it’s important to know who we are. That each of us is equally important to
Him, and that nothing that I could have done nor will ever do will separate me
from that Love. Sometimes it sucks changing the world when no one sees it. But we’re
still changing the world.
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